105 Best Comedian Quotes To Get The Whole Family Laughing

Quotes by comedians are popular.
Share
Tweet

Nothing feels as good as the time we spend with our family laughing at funny jokes.

Comedy is one of the toughest genres. Comedians all around the world work hard to to come up with original and relatable content.

Making people laugh is hard, and good comedians do it so effortlessly. Famous comedians like Steven Wright, Chris Rock, Robin Williams have been making people laugh for years. Listed below are Jerry Seinfeld, Tommy Cooper, Ken Dodd and Jimmy Carr comedian quotes, and funny quotes from comedians who can joke about everything that will make your day better. You will also find quotes on funny quotes on 'how to be a comedian' by famous comedians.

For more relatable content, check out [funny quotes for kids] and sarcastic quotes.

Quotes By Famous Comedians

It's true that we can't get enough of these comedians. Check these famous comedian quotes out.

1. "Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!"

- Chris Rock.

2. "What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."

- Robin Williams.

3. "I'll never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. I can't eat it. I can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera. 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye'."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

4. "I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone."

- Tommy Cooper.

5. "I think I am sometimes a poster child for arrested development in terms of I'm fascinated with toys and games. And I'm spontaneous. But no food fights. I'm gluten-free."

- Robin Williams.

6. "I take New Years' with a grain of salt and three aspirins."

- Milton Berle.

7. "New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."

- David Letterman.

8. "People like abstract art because it makes them feel clever."

- James Acaster.

9. "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom.

10. "My favorite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying 'Random accidents ahead', 'Life's a lottery, Be lucky'."

- Jimmy Carr.

11. "Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake."

- George Carlin.

12. "Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

- Robin Williams.

13. "I was so ugly that they sent my picture to 'Ripley's Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it'."

- Joan Rivers.

14. "My audience always leave the theatre happy... we give them their money back."

- Bob Monkhouse.

15. "Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines."

- David Letterman.

16. "So I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'"

- Tim Vine.

17. "Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!"

- Frank Carson.

Best Stand-Up Comic Quotes

Stand-up comedy is something everyone loves, and we have a great list of quotes from the finest stand- up comics.

18. "Laughter is the greatest music in the world, and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh, and so do I - which is probably why it works."

- Ken Dodd.

19. "I think Elvis would be alive today, probably, if he had been allowed to mix and mingle with his fans. I think it was a great cross for him to bear that he couldn't get out and be with his fans."

- Minnie Pearl.

20. "Why does everyone talk on the phone like the person on the other phone is trapped in a submarine on the ocean floor? "You're breaking up ... hang on ...!" "Breaking up?" What is this, Apollo 13? You're at the mall, take it easy. You're talking to somebody at the food court Cinnabon ... that you can see from the escalator as you're coming down."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

21. "I remember every one of your insulting jokes . . . I use them later."

- Milton Berle.

22. "As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house."

- George Lopez.

23. "I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, two ants climbed on the ball saying, 'Let's get up here before we get killed!'"

- Henry Youngman.

24. "I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

25. "She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

- Groucho Marx.

26. "When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton."

- Jimmy Carr.

27. "I like it when the waiter asks you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me the essence of puke all over me tea!"

- Lee Evans.

28. "I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate."

- Les Dawson.

29. "Last fight I was in was in, like, third grade, and that doesn't count 'cause it's like, 'You smell poop? It's over, dude! It's over!'"

- Nick Swardson.

30. "A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

31. "I was sweating like Kathy Lee at a Carrot Top look-alike contest."

- Lisa Lampanelli.

32. "Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them."

- Ken Dodd.

Comedian Quotes On Love

Love is hard at times and joking about it feels good. Check these funny quotes on marriage and relationships by stand-up comedians and comedians all over the world.

33. "I was the best man at the wedding. If I was the best man, why is she marrying him?"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

34. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

- Groucho Marx.

35. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers."

- Richard Pryor.

36. "Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass."

- Joan Rivers.

37. "Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you."

- Jimmy Carr.

38. "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

39. "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

- Groucho Marx.

40. "The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me."

- Adam Ferrara.

41. "Love is lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."

- George Burns.

42. "The problem is, women have stopped setting the bar high."

- Steve Harvey.

43. "My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

- Henry Youngman.

44. "I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."

- Woody Allen.

45. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."

- Will Ferrell.

Funny Comedian Quotes

Funny quotes by comedians will make you laugh.

Comedians help us open our hearts and laugh like a baby. Check these quotes by comedians out.

46. "New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried."

- Dave Chappelle.

47. "What do you call an Alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog."

- Harry Hill.

48. "I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace."

- Tommy Cooper.

49. "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

- Steven Wright.

50. "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

- George Carlin.

51. "I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

- Spike Milligan.

52. "I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware."

- Joan Rivers.

53. "Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."

- Groucho Marx.

54. "The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

- Demetri Martin.

55. "I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts."

- Tim Vine.

56. "Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it."

- Wanda Sykes.

57. "Went to the paper shop - it had blown away."

- Tommy Cooper.

58. "My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela......incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, he's been out about 18 years now..."

- Ricky Gervais.

59. "If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever."

- David Letterman.

60. "There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years."

- Ron White.

61. "If a comic laughs at their own jokes, I don't like it. They shouldn't find it funny; they should seriously believe in this stupid thing they're saying."

- James Acaster.

62. "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

- Steve Martin.

Popular Quotes By Comedians

Funny quotes are popular.

These quotes by famous stand-up comics and other comedians will make everything better.

63. "It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

- George Burns.

64. "In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again'."

- Robin Williams.

65. "How do you get out of prison? Rub your hands together until they're sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars."

- Tommy Cooper.

66. "I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat."

- Will Ferrell.

67. "In Russia, we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."

- Yavok Smirnoff.

68. "I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge."

- Spike Milligan.

69. "I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car, I knew they weren't coming after me!"

- Richard Pryor.

70. "Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock."

- Joan Rivers.

71. "A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking'."

- Tommy Cooper.

72. "Wow. ... That's a good question. ... Is 'I don't know' an acceptable answer?"

- Dave Chappelle.

73. "My father used to say to me always fight fire with fire. And that's why he was thrown out of the fire brigade."

- Harry Hill.

74. "I can always tell when the mother-in-law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps."

- Les Dawson.

75. "There is a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind and an actual dog that's going to eat you."

- Jim Carrey.

76. "If evolution works, why do mothers only have two hands."

- Milton Berle.

77. "My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.'"

- Ken Dodd.

78. "Corduroy hits the sweet spot between jeans and slacks. They're a trouser middleman."

- James Acaster.

79. "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

- Demetri Martin.

Hilarious Quotes By Comedians

Check out these list of hilarious quotes by comedians.

80. "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'."

- Steven Wright.

81. "If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket!"

- Chris Rock.

82. "If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

- George Carlin.

83. "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

84. "A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he'd do for some chips."

- Harry Hill.

85. "Jesus was an only child. Thank God! Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ? That's a tough gig."

- Robin Williams.

86. "Robbers broke into the Gap over the weekend. The suspects are described as being armed and casual."

- David Letterman.

87. "A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live.' He says: 'What's the bad news?' The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'"

- Frank Carson.

88. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

- George Carlin.

89. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'."

- Tommy Copper.

90. "We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo."

- David Letterman.

91. "I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays'."

- Tim Vine.

92. "I really love standup, and I really love writing standup."

- James Acaster.

93. "Cause there are so many comedians out now, so you have to find a joke that hasn't been said already, you have to find an area that no one is talking about, it's....tough."

- Alan Carr.

94. "I don't understand one thing. No seriously, why is everyone going boo, on like the joke. Then when I don't want you to laugh your laughing. Like right now."

- Andy Kaufman.

95. "They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now."

- Bob Monkhouse.

96. "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

Comedian Quotes On Politics

Enjoy these political jokes by famous comedians.

97. "Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial - it just doesn't work."

- Robin Williams.

98. "Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Junior, but I don't know anything about his politics."

- Dave Chappelle.

99. "The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!"

- Robin Williams.

100. "I went to the White House, met the president. We in trouble."

- Richard Pryor.

101. "I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice."

- Robin Williams.

102. "People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."

- Robin Williams.

103. "I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

- Woody Allen.

104. "We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself."

- Robin Williams.

105. "Yesterday they held the Most Honest Politician Of The Year contest...and nobody won."

- Bob Monkhouse.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for comedian quotes then why not take a look at [conversation quotes], or satire quotes.

Disclaimer

Disclaimer

At Kidadl we pride ourselves on offering families original ideas to make the most of time spent together at home or out and about, wherever you are in the world. We strive to recommend the very best things that are suggested by our community and are things we would do ourselves - our aim is to be the trusted friend to parents.

We try our very best, but cannot guarantee perfection. We will always aim to give you accurate information at the date of publication - however, information does change, so it’s important you do your own research, double-check and make the decision that is right for your family.

Kidadl provides inspiration to entertain and educate your children. We recognise that not all activities and ideas are appropriate and suitable for all children and families or in all circumstances. Our recommended activities are based on age but these are a guide. We recommend that these ideas are used as inspiration, that ideas are undertaken with appropriate adult supervision, and that each adult uses their own discretion and knowledge of their children to consider the safety and suitability.

Kidadl cannot accept liability for the execution of these ideas, and parental supervision is advised at all times, as safety is paramount. Anyone using the information provided by Kidadl does so at their own risk and we can not accept liability if things go wrong.

Sponsorship & Advertising Policy

Kidadl is independent and to make our service free to you the reader we are supported by advertising.

We hope you love our recommendations for products and services! What we suggest is selected independently by the Kidadl team. If you purchase using the buy now button we may earn a small commission. This does not influence our choices. Please note: prices are correct and items are available at the time the article was published.

Kidadl has a number of affiliate partners that we work with including Amazon. Please note that Kidadl is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.

We also link to other websites, but are not responsible for their content.

Read our Sponsorship & Advertising Policy
Get The Kidadl Newsletter

1,000 of inspirational ideas direct to your inbox for things to do with your kids.

Thank you! Your newsletter will be with you soon.
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
No items found.