FOR ALL AGES

65 Best Jerry Seinfeld Quotes From The Great Comic Actor

Jerry Seinfeld quotes are genuinely funny and awe-inspiring.

Jerry Seinfeld is a very popular actor, comedian, writer, and producer who was born in 1954 in America.

Seinfeld is regarded as one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time. Along with Larry David, he co-wrote and created the hit sitcom, 'Seinfeld' which was loosely based on himself.

Jerry Seinfeld also has a Netflix web series titled 'Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee'. He is the creator as well as the host of the show, the premises of which revolve around Seinfeld interviewing and discussing comedy and having a general conversation with other fellow comedians, all while picking them up in a car and going for a coffee run.

Seinfeld has won many awards and accolades including the Golden Globe Award for the Best Animated Feature Film for the 2007 film 'Bee Movie'. He is married to Jessica Seinfeld with whom he has three children.

If you like these famous quotes by Seinfeld, make sure you check out these 'Seinfeld' quotes and Chris Farley quotes too.

Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

Are you ready to discover the best Jerry Seinfeld quotes? Some of the funniest quotes by Jerry Seinfeld are listed below.

1. "The comedy universe is a swamp of madness."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

2.   “You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I can’t really handle any more.”

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season seven.

3.   “You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m on to something.”

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season nine, episode 12.

4.  "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

5.  "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

6.   “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses—like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”  

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season two, episode one.

7.   “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with sweatpants? You’re telling the world: ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season four, episode 23.

The Best Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Jerry Seinfeld quotes are inspirational.

Here is a list of witty and inspiring quotes by Seinfeld.

8.  "To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

9. "That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season four, episode 13.

10.  "Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

11.  “The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

12. "Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?”

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season three, episode six.

13.  "I’m a fancy boy."

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season nine, episode 12.

14.  “Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

15. "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

16. "You need talent, you need brains, and you need confidence. Those are the three things you need to do virtually anything."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

17. " Stand-up comedy is a counter to the technology boom. We live in an age of gushing information… [and] the human voice is the opposite of that… We crave contact. "

- Jerry Seinfeld.

18. "The truth ends every conversation."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

19. "When you're little, your life is up... Everything you want is up. 'Wait up! Hold up! Shut up!' 'Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!'"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

20. "Men and women will never understand each other; we all know that. It's just not gonna happen; just forget it. I know I will not understand women."

- Jerry Seinfield.

Inspiring Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Here is a list of quotes by Jerry Seinfeld which will leave you awestruck.

21. "Confidence is a fascinating commodity. There’s no upper limit on the usefulness of it, as long as it doesn’t bleed into arrogance."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

22.    "We explored the Earth looking for women... even went to the Moon just to see if there [were] any women there. "

- Jerry Seinfeld.

23. "I think, if I was an Olympic athlete, I would rather come in last than win the silver... if you think about it."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

24. "I had glasses when I was 10 years old... Somebody puts something on your face at 10, you leave it there; you don't know the difference!"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

25. "A comedian is basically a very aggressive thing to do."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

26. "When men are growing up and reading about Batman, Spiderman, and Superman, these are not fantasies, these are options."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

27. "It's very important for human beings to feel they are popular and well-liked among a large group of people that they have no interest in."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

28.  "The other day I was watching women in a department store looking at clothes, and I noticed women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes. "

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season two, episode nine.

29. "The whole supermarket itself is designed to break down your sense of having any life. It's like a casino: there's no clocks, no windows, no easily-accessible exits."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes On Life

Jerry Seinfeld quotes are sarcastic.

Some of these Jerry Seinfeld quotes are pretty insightful on life too. Which of these Jerry Seinfeld quotes is your favorite?

30. "There are many things we can point to as proof that the human being is not smart."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

31.  "Fear is funny. Especially when it's not fake!"

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season one, episode two.

32.  "Being a dad is - y'know, it's a surfboard on a rainbow. You're gettin' all you can handle of life."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

33. "I've figured out that the 'non-event' is the best part of life."

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season two, episode one.

34. "Comedians have such an intense allergy to pretension."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

35.  "... a beautiful thing about having kids, is you reproduce people that you can relate to."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

36. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

37.  "Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

38. "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

39. "The reactions of audiences are interesting."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

Witty Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Here is a list of witty and humourous Jerry Seinfeld quotes.

40.  "I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

41.   “They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

Jerry Seinfeld.

42.  “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

Jerry Seinfeld.

43.   “People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.”

Jerry Seinfeld.

44. "I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?”

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season two, episode 11.

45. "Nobody's really getting in shape for anything. In modern society, you really don't have to be physically strong to do anything."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

46. " When I was a kid, my favorite ride was the bumper cars. What a wonderful fantasy of the driving experience as it could be. All confrontation, no destination... Driving as an act of pure hostility."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

47.  "Do the people that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? 'Yeah, $14, tuna sandwich. We think that's fair.'"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

48.  "The equivalent for a normal person would be to go in to work in your underwear... and try and do your job that you normally do. All of a sudden, you can't do anything. That's how a comedian feels when he's doing a new bit."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

49.  "Twenty minutes is not comedy. An hour, an hour and fifteen minutes: that's comedy, y'know? You learn how to open, how to sustain, how to pace."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

Short Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

This is a list of funny little Jerry Seinfeld quotes which are snippets from his interviews and shows.

50.   "I think that comedy is the be-all and end-all."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

51. "Jail is such a - really a way that a grown-up would punish a child. 'You go in there and you stay in there!'"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

52.  “Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

53. “You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

54.  "Find the torture you’re comfortable with and you’ll do well.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

55.  "I don't know why people always assume that the guest is more interesting than the host."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

56.  "Comedy is more personal than food."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

57.  “Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

58.  "The real motivation of bein' a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh. And if you love that, you will never want to stop."

- Jerry Steinfeld.

59.  "Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

60.  "Do you know the first thing I said as a child, before I said 'Mama' or 'Dada'? I said 'Leave me alone!'"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

61.  "But I don't wanna be a pirate!"

- Jerry Seinfeld, 'Seinfeld', season five, episode two.

62. "I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

63.  "I like money, but it's never been about the money."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

64.  "You know that tremendous feeling of power, when your phone is fully charged?"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

65. "My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for Jerry Seinfeld quotes then, why not take a look at these comedian quotes and Pauly Shore quotes too?

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Kidadl Team

The Kidadl Team is made up of people from different walks of life, from different families and backgrounds, each with unique experiences and nuggets of wisdom to share with you. From lino cutting to surfing to children’s mental health, their hobbies and interests range far and wide. They are passionate about turning your everyday moments into memories and bringing you inspiring ideas to have fun with your family.

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