FOR ALL AGES

51+ Best Joan Rivers Quotes On Life, Love And Beauty

Joan Rivers quotes are very funny.

Joan Alexandra Molinsky, who was professionally known as Joan Rivers, was a well-known American comedian, actress, writer, and television host.

Joan Rivers was the first-ever woman to have a late-night network television talk show. She is especially remembered because of her timely satirical comic deliveries.

Rivers was also one of the pioneers who lead the contemporary stand-up comedy. ‘Can we talk?’ is the catchphrase she used to use heavily. Rivers has also written several books, namely ‘Enter Talking’, ‘Still Talking’, ‘Bouncing Back’, and ‘I Hate Everyone… Starting With Me’. Reading Joan Rivers quotes and Joan Rivers 'Fashion Police' quotes gives you a look into her funny and serious sides.

If you like the Joan Rivers quotes, check out Gilda Radner quotes and [funniest comedians quotes].

Joan Rivers Funny Quotes

Quotes by Joan Rivers are hilarious.

Here are some Joan Rivers quotes that will make you laugh out loud.

1. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

2. “I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

3. “I am not into exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

4. “Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn’t get better. You get better.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

5. “The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

6. “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

7. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

8. “I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

9. “I don't mince words, I don't hold back.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

10. “The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

11. “Any comic is a very good actor.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

12. “Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

13.”I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

14. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

15. “Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

16. “You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

17. “As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

18. “I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

19. “A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

20. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

Best Joan Rivers Quotes That Make You Laugh

Joan Rivers quotes are humorous.

Here are some further quotes from Joan Rivers, which are steeped with extreme comic relief. Look out for the more serious quotes that reflect on her life.

21. “Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

22. “All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

23. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

24. “My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

25. “We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

26. “How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

27. “To maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

28. “My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

29. “Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘On Being Blonde’.

30. “My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing: 'Pick up, I know you’re there.'”

‒ Joan Rivers.

31. “You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

32. “I have learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes that I’ve done.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

33. “I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

34. “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

35. “I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

36. “I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Funny Ladies’.

37. “With the pollution of our rivers today they are changing the signs from 'No Fishing' to ‘No Fish’.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

38. “It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

39. “I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

40. “I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.”

‒ Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers Quotes From Her Books

Along with her career in comedy, Joan Rivers has also written many books, here are some quotes from her notable works.

41. “In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Bouncing Back’.

42. “If you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Bouncing Back’.

43. “The act of creation fascinates me.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Enter Talking’.

44. “There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Don’t Count The Candles’.

45. “Show business can be an addiction... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Enter Talking’.

46. “I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Enter Talking’.

47.“Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Enter Talking’.

48. “I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody’s always saying, ‘But it’s a dry heat!’ So’s the inside of my microwave.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me’.

49. “In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Bouncing Back’.

50. “I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me’.

51. “I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.”

‒ Joan Rivers, ‘Enter Talking’.

52. “When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.”

‒ Joan Rivers,  ‘Enter Talking’.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for Joan Rivers quotes then why not take a look at Robin Williams quotes, or Hollywood quotes.

Author

Written By

Kidadl Team

The Kidadl Team is made up of people from different walks of life, from different families and backgrounds, each with unique experiences and nuggets of wisdom to share with you. From lino cutting to surfing to children’s mental health, their hobbies and interests range far and wide. They are passionate about turning your everyday moments into memories and bringing you inspiring ideas to have fun with your family.

Share this article

FACEBOOK

TWITTER

COPY LINK

Subscribe_Hero
Get The Kidadl Newsletter
1,000 of inspirational ideas direct to your inbox for things to do with your kids.

By joining Kidadl you agree to Kidadl’s Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receiving marketing communications from Kidadl.