FOR ALL AGES

130 Best Seinfeld Quotes From The Classic American Sitcom

A quote from 'Seinfeld' might be just what you are looking for.

'Seinfeld' is one of the most popular and critically acclaimed TV shows to ever air anywhere in the world.

The show follows comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who plays a fictionalized version of himself, as he navigates his way through life in New York. Created from an idea by Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David, this 'show about nothing', gained a cult following amongst men and women alike.

The other main characters of George Costanza, Elaine Benes, and Cosmo Kramer were played by Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Michael Richards, and looking back, it was one of the best castings for a TV show. The on-screen rapport of Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer was the cornerstone of the show. Having a long run of nine seasons, the show also gave characters like Newman, Frank Costanza, J. Peterman, and others. Thus, a list of best quotations from 'Seinfeld' contains quotations from the main cast, along with J. Peterman 'Seinfeld' quotes and some 'Seinfeld' Festivus quotes.

For more quotes, visit [Jerry Seinfeld quotes] and George Costanza quotes.

Best 'Seinfeld' Quotes From Season One

'Seinfeld' is still one of the most-streamed shows.

These are some of the best quotations and sayings from Jerry, George, and the rest of the gang.

1. "Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping-Pong?"

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 4.

2. "You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form!"

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 5.

3. "Knick game! Horneck took me. We're sitting two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by sweat!"

- Cosmo Kramer, Episode 4.

4. "People always tell me, 'You should have your money working for you.' I've decided I'll do the work, I'm gonna let the money relax."

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 5.

5. "Kramer: How could you not have insurance?

Jerry: Because I spent all my money on the Clapco D29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw: the door!"

- Episode 3.

6.  "Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal."

- Seinfeld to George,  Episode 2.

7. "George Costanza: Claire, you're a woman, right?

Claire: What gave it away, George?"

- Episode 1.

8. "If you've had a relationship with someone, and you try and become friends afterwards, it's very difficult."

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 2.

9. "Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland."

- Elaine Benes,  Episode 3.

10. "I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? "

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 1.

Awesome 'Seinfeld' Quotations From Season Two

Take a look at the shenanigans of the cast of 'Seinfeld' from season two.

11. "I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham."

- George Costanza, Episode 5.

12. "Do you think it’s effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?"

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 7.

13.  "This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence."

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 3.

14. "Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed to!"

- George Costanza, Episode 8.

15. "Pipe down, chorus boy!"

- Alton Benes to George Costanza, Season 2 Episode 3.

16. "Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation."

- Kramer, Episode 1.

17. "I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I could spit it in your face!'"

- George Costanza, Episode 4.

18. "Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop!"

- Kramer, Episode 6.

19. "[Funerals] always make me take stock of my life."

- George Costanza, Episode 2.

20. "Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time?"

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 3.

21. "She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon."

- George, Episode 10.

22. "You know we're living in a society; we're supposed to act in a civilized way!"

- George, Episode 11.

23. "Cable boy. Cable boy. What have you done to my little cable boy?"

- Kramer, Episode 10.

24. "Hey, I agree with him [Jerry]. Nobody likes a kid with a pony."

- Morty Seinfeld,  Episode 2.

25. "...any time I see a movie or a TV show where there's people from the future or another planet, they're all wearing the same thing."

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 3.

Great 'Seinfeld' Season Three Quotations From The TV Show

Here you'll find some long and short quotations from the third season.

26. "I am speechless. Speechless! I have no speech!"

- George, Episode 19.

27. "I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to."

- Lt. Bookman, Episode 5.

28. "Elaine Benes: What did you get on your SATs?

George Costanza: It varies."

- Episode 7

29. "I'm going now. Goodbye. I will be back."

- George Costanza, Episode 10.

30. "How do they know the dog food's any good? Who tastes it?!"

- Elaine Benes,  Episode 15.

31. "I am not a chucker! I never have chucked! Never will chuck! No chuck! Kramer, am I a chucker?"

- George Costanza, Episode 17.

32. "I don't get art ... It always has to be explained to me then I have to have someone explain the explanation."

- George Costanza, Episode 21.

33. "I never assisted in a birth before. It's really quite disgusting."

- George Costanza, Episode 15.

34. "Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, get rid of it in one fell swoop, just so we can eliminate it as a topic of conversation."

- Elaine, Episode 16.

35. "Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need, a break from getting up at eleven?"

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 15.

36. "Why do people always say that [I'll like him]? I hate everybody. Why would I like him?"

- Jerry Seinfeld, Episode 11.

37. "You haven't won. You may think you've won but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over."

- George Costanza, Episode 10.

38. "You're as pretty as any of them. Just need a nose job."

-Kramer, Episode 9.

39. "You should have seen the look on her face! It was the same look that my father had when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."

- George Costanza, Episode 7.

40. "Great. Two hundred seats on a plane, and I gotta get stuck next to Yukon Jack and his dog, Cujo!"

- Jerry, Episode 4.

Funny Seinfeld Quotes From Season 4

Scroll down for some hilarious lines from season four.

41. "I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?"

- George, Episode 23.

42. "George: We're friends of a serial killer.

Criminal: Oh, that's nice.

Jerry: Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it.

George: We're pretty sure he didn't do it."

- Episode 2.

43. "An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker."

- Newman, Episode 4.

44. "If you boys cannot control yourselves, then I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave."

- Larry, Episode 16.

45. "Have you noticed that everything on planes is very tiny?"

- Jerry, Episode 12.

46. "Whenever you ask for the doggy bag in a restaurant, there's a certain sense of failure there, isn't it?"

-Jerry, Episode 21.

47. "God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy."

- George, Episode 23.

48. "I open up the paper and this is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet!"

- Estelle Costanza, Episode 16.

49. "Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend."

- Newman, Episode 4.

50.  "I may look weird, but I'm just like you… I'm just a regular guy trying to make it in this business."

- Kramer, Episode 1.

Season Five Quotes From 'Seinfeld' TV Show

Season five gave us some memorable lines. Take a look to cheer up your day.

51. "The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."

- George, Episode 14.

52. "George Costanza: You're Batman.

Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, I am Batman."

- Episode 19.

53. "The pigman! I saw a pigman! He was just lying there and then he woke up."

- Kramer, Episode 5.

54. "Booing and hissing are not part of the show. You boo puppets. You hiss villains in silent movies."

- Jerry, Episode 19.

55. "...is your entire world just crashing down all around you?!"

- Kramer, Episode 12.

56. "To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first and last party you have are actually quite similar."

- Jerry, Episode 19.

57. "Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain. It's her. I'm telling you, it's her!"

- Kramer, Episode 12.

58. "Believe me, Jerry. Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished 'oink' of Pigman cries out for help."

- Kramer, Episode 5.

59. "You don't have to worry about me. I won a contest."

- George, Episode 2.

60. "I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop."

- Cosmo Kramer, Episode 19.

Quotes From Season Six Of 'Seinfeld'

Here are some awesome lines from the sixth season of the show.

61. "Well, who told you to order soup? ... No! There's no dinner. There's not going to be any dinner. You've had a sandwich and 2 bowls of soup and that's it. Good-bye."

- Jerry, Episode 7.

62. "You're going in there, Soldier! That's an order!"

- Jerry to George, Episode 7.

63. "George: Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?

Jerry: Who goes anywhere with Newman?!"

- Episode 12.

64. "I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me."

George, Episode 16.

65. "Oh, I know the chunky that left these chunkies... Newman!"

- Jerry, Episode 20.

66. "You're like Switzerland."

- Kramer to Jerry, Episode 12.

67. "I really don't know what the heck's going on here."

- Mr. Steinbrenner, Episode 19.

68. "I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure."

- George, Episode 16.

69. "I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."

- George, Episode 12.

70. "Everybody's talkin' at me... I can't hear a word they're sayin'... just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car..."

- George, Episode 8.

Best Season Seven Seinfeld Quotes

If you want to read something funny, these lines from the seventh season of 'Seinfeld' would do.

71. "Nobody knows what this guy is capable of. He fires people like it's a bodily function!"

- George Costanza, Episode 19.

72. "Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton. I was afraid you only ate... salad."

- Holly, Episode 4.

73.  "She's kind and caring and generally concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that!"

- Jerry, Episode 9.

74. "Jerry Seinfeld: Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're still alive?

George Costanza: No, they could use the break."

- Episode 12.

75. "Just... can I have my car? I'm going to pay my bill, and I'm going to be on my way."

- Jerry, Episodes 21-22.

76. "You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!"

- Elaine Benes, Episode 6.

77. "Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back."

- Frank Costanza, Episode 12.

78. "If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking."

- Jerry, Episode 9.

79. "George, there's no time! Tell him your code. Shout out your code, man!"

- J Peterman, Episode 7.

80. "Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times. It's never looked so strange."

- Elaine, Episode 5.

Awesome 'Seinfeld' Quotes From Season Eight

The TV show was its peak popularity during the eighth season. Looking back, we get why - these quotes sure are something!

81. "Yeah, like Bizarro Superman—Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down; down is up. He says 'Hello' when he leaves, 'Goodbye' when he arrives."

- Jerry, Episode 3.

82. "Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies."

- Elaine, Episode 16.

83. "Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant."

- George, Episode 9.

84. "Jerry:  Kramer, he's just a dentist.

Kramer:  Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite."

- Episode 19.

85. "Elaine Benes: You speak Burmese?

J. Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place?"

- Episode 8.

86. "I can't believe the Yankees really fired me."

- George, Episode 22.

87. "Oh my God! I just remembered where I left my retainer in 2nd grade."

- George, Episode 9.

88. "If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Rogers' chicken, I'm back there with the red menace."

- Kramer, Episode 8.

89. "I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'."

- George, Episode 16.

90. "It was more like a full-body dry heave set to music."

- George on Elaine's dancing, Episode 4.

Wonderful Season Nine 'Seinfeld' Quotes

Don't be sad because we are at the final season, because Jerry, you know, wouldn't want you to be sad. So, let us read the lines of the last season with a smile on our faces.

91. "Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

- Seinfeld, Episode 2.

92. "At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year."

- Frank Costanza, Episode 10.

93. "Elaine: Why does everything have to be so... jokey with you?

Jerry: I'm a comedian."

- Episode 13.

94. "Serenity now. Insanity later."

- Lloyd Braun, Episode 3.

95. "Jerry Seinfeld: Tic Tacs worked?

Elaine Benes: He's a human maraca."

- Episode 6.

96. "You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered... but registered mail is not necessarily certified."

- Newman,  Episode 8.

97. "Jerry, it's L.A., nobody leaves."

- Kramer, Episode 22.

98. "I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year... And, done."

- J. Peterman, Episode 6.

99. "Jerry: [Sarcastically] Kramer, I love you.

Cosmo Kramer: [Without missing a beat] I love you too, buddy!"

- Episode 3.

100. "The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!"

- Frank Costanza, Episode 10.

Iconic, Funniest & Best 'Seinfeld' Quotes

The jokes from 'Seinfeld' are still relevant today.

When you are looking for something to cheer up your day, these famous and hilarious lines from 'Seinfeld' would cheer you up.

101. "You know the message you’re sending out to the world with sweatpants? You’re telling the world: 'I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

102. "If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all."

- George Costanza.

103. "People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

104. "Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters."

- George Costanza.

105. "One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked sturgeon."

- The Mohel.

106. "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

- George Costanza.

107. "I need the secure packaging of jockeys. My boys need a house."

- Kramer.

108. "I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

109. "It's not fair people are seated first come, first served. It should be based on who’s hungriest."

- Elaine Benes.

110. "Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?

George: I like to get the Daily News."

- 'Seinfeld'.

111. "Women don't respect salad eaters."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

112. "Hi, my name is George. I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents."

- George Costanza.

113. "Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information."

- Newman.

114. "Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty!"

- Cosmo Kramer.

115.  "If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you.' You should say 'You're so good looking!'"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

116. "Serenity Now!"

- Frank Costanza.

117. "Hey! So what's the deal with brunch? I mean that if it's a combination of breakfast and lunch, how comes there's no 'lupper' or no 'linner'?”

- Jeannie Steinman.

118. "Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?"

- Cosmo Kramer.

119. "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend..."

- Jerry to George.

120. "Did you know that the original title for 'War and Peace' was 'War, What Is It Good For'?"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

121. "What's the deal with lampshades? I mean, if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?"

- Jerry Seinfeld.

122. "Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!"

- Cosmo Kramer.

123. "Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong."

- George Costanza.

124. "You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

125. "I think if one is going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note—it's common courtesy."

- George Costanza.

126.  "From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!"

- Timmy.

127. "The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour Martinizing."

- Cosmo Kramer.

128. "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."

- Jerry Seinfeld.

129. "Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner?"

- Puddy.

130.  "I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man."

- Babu Bhatt.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for 'Seinfeld' quotes then why not take a look at ['Schitt's Creek' quotes], or ['Scrubs' quotes].

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