105 Funniest Comedians' Quotes Of All Time

Comedians have the best jobs in the world, to bring laughter to everyone.
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We've relied on comedians for entertainment for a very long time, and the most hilarious comedians always offer us a chance to laugh.

The hilarious jokes from comedians have made us happy and boosted our self-esteem for generations. After all, everybody needs a laugh in day-to-day life!

Hilarious comedy is so subjective, but some of the funniest comedians include Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Amy Poehler, George Carlin, Mitch Hedberg, and Brian Regan, to name a few. It is their innate ability to make us laugh at different things in life that we love so much about their hilarious stand-up routines, TV shows, and movie roles.

Their hilarious stories and acts give us an escape from reality, they transport us to a happy place, and simply make us laugh at their hilarious jokes. The funniest comedians can even boost our self-esteem as we can all gain a lot from learning to laugh at ourselves a little in life.

So, to bring some more laughter into your life, we have gathered a list of some of the funniest quotes from comedians that can make us all laugh. If you like these funny quotes from comedians, you can also check out these comedian quotes and Jim Carrey quotes to find more funny quotes from comedians.

Funny Quotes By Comedian Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg is a funny comedian with great comedic timing. Here are some of the best funny quotes from his stand-up routines.

Comedians bring more joy to our lives than we give them credit for.

1. "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

-Mitch Hedberg.

2. "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

-Mitch Hedberg.

3. "I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

-Mitch Hedberg.

4. "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

-Mitch Hedberg.

5. "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

-Mitch Hedberg.

6. "I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."

-Mitch Hedberg.

7. "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

-Mitch Hedberg.

8. "You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

-Mitch Hedberg.

9. "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

-Mitch Hedberg.

10. "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

-Mitch Hedberg.

Timeless Jim Carrey Quotes

Jim Carrey will never not be funny. If you love comedians, check out these funny quotes from the famous comedian, Jim Carrey and the many successful movies he has starred in.

11. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

-Jim Carrey.

12. "My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students.'"

-Jim Carrey.

13. "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

-Jim Carrey.

14. "Liiiike a glove!"

-Jim Carrey, 'Ace Ventura'.

15. "Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger."

-Jim Carrey, 'Ace Ventura'.

16. "Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then."

-Jim Carrey, 'Ace Ventura'.

17. "Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"

-Jim Carrey, 'The Truman Show'.

18. "God, why do you hate me?"

-Jim Carrey, Bruce Almighty.

19. "Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?"

-Jim Carrey, 'Liar Liar'.

20. "If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!"

-Jim Carrey, 'Ace Ventura'.

Hilarious Brian Regan Quotes

Check out these funny Brian Regan quotes from the famous comedian.

21. "Like one time I was about to say take care but changed in the middle to good luck so it sounded like take luck... If you have any luck take care of it. Take luck you now. Shut up!"

-Brian Regan.

22. "Do not stand directly in front of a cannon... how true that is."

-Brian Regan.

23. "It's good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well."

-Brian Regan.

24. "I could go for a sandwich, but I'm not gonna open two jars."

-Brian Regan.

25. "Where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew."

-Brian Regan.

26. "They call it softball, makes it sound like it's harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball?"

-Brian Regan.

27. "I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve: two sleeves is a serving size."

-Brian Regan.

28. "Brian, relax, man. You’ve gotta relax when you make the crank calls."

-Brian Regan.

29. "Mmmm! Lunch and no clean-up! Can life get better? I submit that it cannot!"

-Brian Regan.

30. "My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk."

-Brian Regan.

Comedians are really funny.

The Best Robin Williams Quotes

Here are some funny and thought-provoking quotes by the much-loved Robin Williams who spread joy everywhere he went.

31. "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

-Robin Williams.

32. "But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be."

-Robin Williams.

33. "I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."

-Robin Williams.

34. "You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer."

-Robin Williams.

35. "The idea of having a steady job is appealing."

-Robin Williams.

36. "Comedy is acting out optimism."

-Robin Williams.

37. "Why do they call it rush hour when no one moves?"

-Robin Williams.

38. "Reality: What a concept!"

-Robin Williams.

39. "What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."

-Robin Williams.

40. "If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

-Robin Williams.

Funny Amy Poehler Quotes

Here are some funny and memorable quotes by Amy Poehler.

41. "Ann, you beautiful tropical fish."

-Amy Poehler, 'Parks And Recreation'.

42. "Yeah, I farted, Jealous?"

-Amy Poehler.

43. "What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me."

-Amy Poehler.

44. "Oh Ann, you beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby."

-Amy Poehler, 'Parks And Recreation'.

45. "Stop whining about getting old. It's a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive."

-Amy Poehler.

46. "I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disturbing things."

-Amy Poehler.

47. "I would like a glass of red wine and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference."

-Amy Poehler.

48. "I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself."

-Amy Poehler.

49. "I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn't even on."

-Amy Poehler.

50. "We need a little less forever 21 and a little more suddenly 42."

-Amy Poehler.

George Carlin Quotes To Crack You Up

George Denis Patrick Carlin is one comedian who speaks the funny truth in his stand-up lines.

51. "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

-George Carlin.

52. "A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

-George Carlin.

53. "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

-George Carlin.

54. "The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

-George Carlin.

55. "Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

-George Carlin.

56. "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

-George Carlin.

57. "I don't have pet peeves — I have major psychotic hatreds!"

-George Carlin.

58. "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

-George Carlin.

59. "Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"

-George Carlin.

60. "Electricity is really just organized lightning."

-George Carlin.

Funny Demetri Martin Quotes

Here are some Demetri Martin quotes from his creative performances.

61. "I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"

-Demetri Martin.

62. "I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.'"

-Demetri Martin.

63. "I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day."

-Demetri Martin.

64. "I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille."

-Demetri Martin.

65. "My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal."

-Demetri Martin.

66. "If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.'"

-Demetri Martin.

67. "I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals."

-Demetri Martin.

68. "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

-Demetri Martin.

69. "I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."

-Demetri Martin.

70. "If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"

-Demetri Martin.

Funny Ellen Degeneres Quotes

Here are some great quotes by one of the most successful comedians in the industry, Ellen Degeneres.

71. "I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that."

-Ellen Degeneres.

72. "Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off."

-Ellen Degeneres.

73. "Go to bed in your fireplace, you'll sleep like a log."

-Ellen Degeneres.

74. "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

-Ellen Degeneres.

75. "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."

-Ellen Degeneres.

76. "You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me."

-Ellen Degeneres.

77. "Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and just run away."

-Ellen Degeneres.

78. "The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too."

-Ellen Degeneres.

79. "People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant."

-Ellen Degeneres.

80. "I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years."

-Ellen Degeneres.

The Best Of Chris Rock

Here come some funny Chris Rock quotes just for you!

81. "If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner."

-Chris Rock.

82. "Everything’s funny — in the right context and done by the right person."

-Chris Rock.

83. "Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing."

-Chris Rock.

84. "You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."

-Chris Rock.

85. "When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative."

-Chris Rock.

86. "If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty."

-Chris Rock.

87. "When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy."

-Chris Rock.

88. "We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed."

-Chris Rock.

89. "Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do."

-Chris Rock.

90. "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."

-Chris Rock.

More Comedy Quotes By Famous Comedians

The work of comedians in the world of comedy can make someone smile every day. Here are our top picks of funny comedians' quotes from more of our favorite comedians.

91. "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

-Steve Martin.

92. "There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!"

-Eddie Izzard.

93. "When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine."

-Trevor Noah.

94. "I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!"

-Rodney Dangerfield.

95. "I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day."

-Dylan Moran.

96. "I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."

-Jimmy Kimmel.

97. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

-Tommy Cooper.

98. "I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from."

-Eddie Izzard.

99. "For fast-acting relief, try slowing down."

-Lily Tomlin.

100. "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

-Groucho Marx.

101. "It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

-Rita Rudner.

102. "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

-Rodney Dangerfield.

103. "My psychiatrist told me I am crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."

-Rodney Dangerfield.

104. "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

-Groucho Marx.

105. "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

-Bob Hope.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for funny comedians' quotes, then why not take a look at [quotes about comedy] or funny TV quotes for more great quotes from comedians?

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