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56 Hilarious Phyllis Diller Quotes From The American Comedian

Phyllis Diller quotes are hilarious

The eccentric American comedian Phyllis Ada Diller, popularly known as Phyllis Diller, is well-known for her self-deprecating and relatable humor.

Phyllis Diller won millions of hearts with her unique clothing and hairstyle. Her crackling laughter, exaggeration, and stage personality made everyone laugh their hearts out.

Phyllis Diller quotes are popular all over the world because they are relatable. Listed below are Phyllis Diller quotes on cleaning, Phyllis Diller husband quotes, Phyllis Diller birthday quotes, Phyllis Diller quotes on family and other Phyllis Diller famous quotes on various topics. Enjoy!

For more relatable content, check out our other quotes articles on johnny carson quotes and comedian quotes.

Best Phyllis Diller Quotes

Here's a list of some of the greatest Phyllis Diller quotes.  

1. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

- Phyllis Diller.

2. "If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'"

- Phyllis Diller.

3. "I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'"

- Phyllis Diller.

4. "We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought."

- Phyllis Diller.

5. "I mean I named 'em all kid, I had to keep it simple for Fang. Of course they got different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid."

- Phyllis Diller.

6. "Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."

- Phyllis Diller.

7. "My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking."

- Phyllis Diller.

8. "Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going."

- Phyllis Diller.

9. "My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked."

- Phyllis Diller.

10. "My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."

- Phyllis Diller.

11. "Now I'm gonna tell you the truth about what I am wearing. I use to work as a lampshade in Las Vegas."

- Phyllis Diller.

Hilarious Phyllis Diller Quotes On Life

Phyllis Diller quotes are inspiring.

Check out these funny quotes on life by Phyllis Diller.

12. "We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

- Phyllis Diller.

13. "I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do."

- Phyllis Diller.

14. "You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!"

- Phyllis Diller.

15. "We got this one kid, I was teaching him how to cross the street, I said now kid, you walk on the green light. You know what that idiot did? He climbed up the pole, walked on the light."

- Phyllis Diller.

16. "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

- Phyllis Diller.

17. "No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready."

- Phyllis Diller.

18. "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller.

19. "Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."

- Phyllis Diller.

20. "You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot."

- Phyllis Diller.

21. "If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough."

- Phyllis Diller.

22. "Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in."

- Phyllis Diller.

Funny Phyllis Diller Quotes

Listed below are some hilarious Phyllis Diller quotes for you.

23. "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance."

- Phyllis Diller.

24. "I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, 'You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed'."

- Phyllis Diller.

25. "Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush."

- Phyllis Diller.

26. "A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him."

- Phyllis Diller.

27. "I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband."

- Phyllis Diller.

28. "The last time I said let's eat out, we ate in the garage."

- Phyllis Diller.

29. "Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have."

- Phyllis Diller.

30. "Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss."

- Phyllis Diller.

31. "This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball."

- Phyllis Diller.

32. "The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day."

- Phyllis Diller.

33. "You know I used to be very popular with peeping toms. They felt if they looked into my window five times, they'd be cured."

- Phyllis Diller.

Interesting Phyllis Diller Quotes

You don't want to miss these interesting Phyllis Diller quotes.

34. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

- Phyllis Diller.

35. "I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody."

- Phyllis Diller.

36. "When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl."

- Phyllis Diller.

37. "Because of the way she eats. If she can't move it, she eats it."

- Phyllis Diller.

38. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

- Phyllis Diller.

39. "If you get in an elevator with her, you better be going down."

- Phyllis Diller.

40. "Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition."

- Phyllis Diller.

41. "I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!"

- Phyllis Diller.

42. "Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."

- Phyllis Diller.

43. "The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation."

- Phyllis Diller.

44. "Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce."

- Phyllis Diller.

Famous Phyllis Diller Quotes

Phyllis Diller quotes are popular.

These Phyllis Diller quotes are quite well-known and obviously hilarious.

45. "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

- Phyllis Diller.

46. "I don't know how you feel about old age...but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear."

- Phyllis Diller.

47. "To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do."

- Phyllis Diller.

48. "When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate."

- Phyllis Diller.

49. "Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards."

- Phyllis Diller.

50. "It occurs last week I had a little grease fire in the kitchen, it was in the sink actually. Got a greasy sink. I have watched bug slide to their death. My sink its learn to skate or die."

- Phyllis Diller.

51. "I know a woman who had a big job where they start at the waist, they do it all up. They had so much leftover, they built five ears. She hears great but she looks bad."

- Phyllis Diller.

52. "Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed."

- Phyllis Diller.

53. "Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!"

- Phyllis Diller.

54. "It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months."

- Phyllis Diller.

55. "In most states, you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane."

- Phyllis Diller.

56. "When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs."

- Phyllis Diller.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for Phyllis Diller quotes then why not take a look at David Sedaris quotes, or Tina Fey quotes

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Kidadl Team

The Kidadl Team is made up of people from different walks of life, from different families and backgrounds, each with unique experiences and nuggets of wisdom to share with you. From lino cutting to surfing to children’s mental health, their hobbies and interests range far and wide. They are passionate about turning your everyday moments into memories and bringing you inspiring ideas to have fun with your family.

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