Vampires like nothing more than sucking blood, it's safe to say they're a total pain in the neck.
From the immortal Count Dracula to the handsome and glittery Edward Cullen, vampires are lurking in our culture on every corner. Here at Kidadl, we prefer to make them sound less scary with some funny names, like Pointy Toothed Sun Haters, Count Duckula and Sparkles (if they're cute).
If you're dressing up as a vampire for Halloween this year, make sure you perfect your funny vampire sayings. They should be quite easy, can you get the hang of, "bleh, bleh, bleh"? That's the famous phrase that people always think a vampire says. Don't be fooled though, it's most likely just a badly quoted version of the actor Bela Lugosi's line in the film Dracula, where he was saying, "blood!" That makes a lot more sense, but we think the mistake version is more funny!
Make sure you're carrying some garlic with you this Halloween, definitely don't go out after dark, but most importantly make sure you're equipped with some bitingly funny vampire puns and fangtastically funny Dracula jokes and vampire jokes.
These halloween puns are some seriously funny puns to tell your friends, but if spooky skeletons are more your bag, we've got you covered with these funny spooky skeleton jokes and why not test your spooky knowledge with these Halloween riddles for kids?
If you're looking for spooky puns, Halloween style, then you've certainly come to the right place, these will have you laughing so hard you start coffin.
1. You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
2. A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
3. I met the child of a snowman and a vampire. He was suffering from a serious case of frostbite.
4. If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
5. The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
6. There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
7. I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
8. Vampires tend to stay away from Taylor Swift. I've been told it's because she has bad blood.
9. College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
10. Vampires tend to drink Blood Light, but only from a longneck bottle.
11. Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
12. I hope you have a bloody good Halloween!
13. Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
14. You are just my blood type.
15. I hope you have a fang-tastic Halloween!
16. The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
17. I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
18. If you want to kill a French vampire, you will need to stab him with a baguette. It's pretty painstaking if you ask me.
19. One thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
20. It totally sucks to be me.
21. I felt stupid dressing up on Halloween after I'd turned 13. I thought people might say I was a little bit long on the tooth to still be pretending to be a vampire.
22. Vampires hate the sea because it's salty. They much prefer to go fishing in the blood stream.
23. The other day I got really down, and felt like I totally sucked. A vampire cheered me up though, he told me we all get drained every now and again.
24. Fang you very much.
25. I fell out with my best friend because he didn't invite me to his Halloween party. I hope it sucks.
26. I've always been a little bit batty.
27. Fangs for the memories.
28. A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
29. On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
30. Once I invited 10 vampires over for a dinner party. I made the fatal mistake and put garlic in the dressing. People are calling it Buffet The Vampire Slayer.
31. Vampires hate peaches, but they love neck-tarines.
32. A vampire's torch never runs out of juice. They have an unlimited supply of bat-teries.
34. All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
35. My friend was caught stealing from our local shop while sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
36. I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
37. I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
38. Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
39. I just did a DNA test and found out I'm a vampire. I'm so ashamed, I can't even look in the mirror.
40. Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
41. You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
42. An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then they dawn on them.
43. Vampires always seem like they're ill. It's probably because they're always coffin.
44. Vampires don't often eat fruit, but when they do they like a blood orange best.
45. My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
46. A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
47. The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
48. I asked a vampire if he liked Halloween puns. He told me he thought the best kind of humour was irony.
49. Vampires are not very adventurous when you take them to a bar. They always just order a Bloody Mary.
50. A group of vampire hunters needed to talk about the best tactics, so they decided to schedule a stakeholders meeting.
51. Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
52. I killed the last of the vampires last Halloween. When he was gone, I started to sing, "it's the final count down."
Everyone knows that he's the king of the vampires, and that's why these funny puns are some of the best around.
53. I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
54. I went to a party dressed up as Count Dracula and ate all the snacks. My costume was Vampire The Buffet Slayer.
55. Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
56. Vampires can always Count on me.
57. I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
58. Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
59. Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
60. I was told Dracula had turned over a new leaf after hearing some of my Count Dracula jokes. He's been re-vamped.
Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of great family-friendly puns for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for vampire puns that are bitingly funny then why not take a look at 30 ghost puns that are un-boo-lievable, or for something different take a look at 40 gnome puns that kids will love.
Emily has lived in London for ten years, and still loves discovering new places to explore in the capital with her two little brothers. She loves all things lifestyle and fashion, she is a fashion designer and artist, as well as working with arts charities to facilitate workshops and outreach on crafts, fashion, and design for children with special needs and children with difficult home lives who might otherwise not have access, from toddlers to teenagers. Emily is also a trained life coach and loves talking and writing about general wellness, mindfulness and healthy relationships.