104 Norm Macdonald Quotes | Kidadl


104 Norm Macdonald Quotes

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Stand-up comedian, actor, and writer Norman Gene Macdonald resided in Canada.

His stand-up delivery was bordered on stuttering, sluggishness, and deadpan, and he frequently used folksy, archaic uses of phrases. He had several film appearances and frequently appeared on late-night talk shows, where he became famous for his shaggy dog tales.

Funny Norm Macdonald Quotes

(Here are a few Norm Macdonald quotes for you to read and laugh at!)

Writing for sitcoms like 'Roseanne' and 'The Dennis Miller Show' was among Macdonald's earliest television credits.

"It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, ‘How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, All right, that sounds good. I'll do that."

"There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything."

"Well, you’d think he was a generous hatter and I was the tallest man in the whole wide world, the way he gave me the high hat that day."

"This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it."

"I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics."

"Our trip has cost Adam Eget his apartment and his job. But it will all soon be over and he’ll be a ranch hand in Montana, and the head ranch hand too. I haven’t told him yet, but I plan on buying him a hat. A cowboy hat."

"I watch political shows for a number of weeks in a row, and all I see are guys arguing with each other over issues I have no idea about."

"ID is a strange abbreviation. I is short for ‘I’, and D is short for ‘dentification’."

"Then he unsmiled his lips and got real plural on me. "We’ll let you know."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl."

“I hate when people say “touché” after you say something funny. I don’t know what it means, but I know that I hate it.”
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"And it’s so stupid to try anyway because if the stupid book is any good they’ll make a TV movie out of it and then you can watch that instead."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"Women are attracted to funny men, it is often said. This is not true. It only appears this way because women laugh at everything a very handsome man says. So this gives the very handsome men the idea that they are funny."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"All former shoeshine boys tell fictitious tales and resort to petty thievery."
- 'Ridiculous'.

"And you’d correct him, but the thing is, you’re not sure you remember it a hundred percent accurately yourself."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"In theatres, you're kind of disconnected. Also, it's way too big for the likes of me. Unless you're Robin Williams or someone that can fill a stage with movement and energy, it just looks like a small man on a big stage."

"I could not ignore their withering glances. They looked at me the way real vampires look at Count Chocula."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"My brother, he loves war-torn places. My dad would always read the paper and tell me I should watch CNN, but I usually wind up watching 'Breaking Bad'."

"You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?"

"It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude."

"They’re like ‘You’re an alcoholic.’ I go ‘No, I’m not.’ and then apparently that’s what alcoholics say too, you know?"

"All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money."

"I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world."

"My dad had this thing – everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!"

"I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical."

"You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him."

"I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up."

"She said she could no longer live in New York, that she was being tormented day and night by some obsessive stalker. This caught me completely by surprise, as I had taken to hanging around Sarah’s apartment, hiding in the bushes day and night, watching her come and go, and I had never seen any signs of a stalker."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I think clever people think that poor people are stupid."

"There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion."

"The only time having a cult following is a great thing is when you are actually in a cult."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I'm absolutely no good at networking; I'm terrible at acting; I'm terrible at dealing with executives; I'm terrible at collaborating."

"I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff."

"And I say whatever I want to say. But I think I'm good enough at comedy that I can survive. And I don't really have an ambition for money."

"I don't like sports where it's like, you watch a guy on a motorcycle flip or something, then another guy does it, it looks exactly the same, and then at the end, one guy gets higher points! It seems so arbitrary; I don't know who's ahead ever."

"And he was standing there, reading one of those big books. You know the kind."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"Usually you can’t even understand their stupid titles, and when you try to read them you get one word in and get really sleepy."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"Well, the results are in, and once again Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is the richest man in America. Gates says he is grateful for his huge financial success, but it still makes him sad when he looks around and sees other people with any money whatsoever."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

Norm Macdonald Quotes on Love

Norm Macdonald joined 'Saturday Night Live' as a writer and cast member in 1993. He worked on the show for five seasons, leading the Weekend Update section for three and a half of those.

“Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, 'Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.”

“I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.”

"And suddenly I found myself an old man standing in a doorway as Mr. Macdonald spoke of how he didn’t trust Eskimos and never would. I had never felt such instant animus toward anyone."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"Now that all hope is gone, a deep relief has taken its place, and I allow myself to enjoy it before the despair sets in."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at."

"I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on Late Night. We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn't get a guest - which was often back then since he was just starting out - he would just call me down to be a guest."

“I'm happy doing stand-up, but I'll probably do a television show eventually. If not, I'll delve into this Internet world and decide best how to harness it.”

"What I like best about it is the independent movie style and the ability to just be completely reckless within that world. I like that a lot. I just have to acquaint myself with technology."

"I miss seeing real comics, Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett, those types. I like straight stand-up, talking about the Olympics and why I feel obligated to watch them."

“In love, we are best pleased when we please others.”

"The biggest laughs you'll ever hear in life are like at a Thanksgiving dinner with a bunch of loved ones. And nothing funny is said, and it just comes from love."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"But when I got famous, people would look at me and smile and wonder where they knew me from. If they flat-out recognized me, they'd laugh and dance like they'd won a prize, and I'd just stand there and smile and feel the warmth of their love."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that."

"So the fame made the world, which is a real cold place, a little less cold."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

“I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.” 

Inspirational Norm Macdonald Quotes

From 2013 - 2018, Macdonald served as the presenter of the talk programs 'Norm Macdonald Live' and 'Norm Macdonald Has a Show', where he conducted interviews with comedic figures and other famous personalities. 'The Orville', 'Mike Tyson Mysteries', 'Family Guy', and the 'Dr. Dolittle' movies all used Macdonald's voice in their narration.

"So much in L.A. is waiting. It's so irritating. That's what's good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don't have to sit and wait by your phone. But it is very frustrating."

“If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.”

"With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing."

"People were beginning to talk about me, and that’s always good news."

"If my job was to shovel, and shovel until eight hours had passed, then my body worked on its own. It had no use for my mind. So my mind would take off to a world of imagination. And that's where stand-up comedy started."

"Because I don't like big houses, I don't drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool."

"I understood then that it takes a powerful imagination to see a thing for what it really is."

"A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter."

“I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.”

"I've never plugged anything in my life on a talk show ever. I understand people use that vehicle. It's just not very entertaining."

"I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things, but in a funny way."

"You're trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you, But your intent's the same, It's not like you're trying to do evil to them."

"I didn't like my head but I loved unskilled labor, manual labor. That kind of work let my mind alone, let it be free."

"Before I was famous I had a whole bunch of jobs where all I needed was boots. People would look right past me, or if they did look at me, it was with a mean look."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong."

"The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time."

"Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny."

"The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast, real fast, and if you’re not careful it’s too late. Of course, the young man will never understand this truth."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I remember a psychiatrist once telling me that I gamble in order to escape the reality of life, and I told him that’s why everyone does everything."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

Best Norm Macdonald Quotes

Norm Macdonald wrote 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir' in 2016, a novel that substantially embellished the events of his life. Macdonald passed away in 2021 from leukemia.

"Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that."

"It turns out your memory isn’t the precise court stenographer you think it is, getting every word down just so."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy."

"Sometimes a writer's strike is good. Maybe if we had a writer's strike now, people would have to read Shakespeare instead of James Patterson."

"Sports has this captivating energy that sucks you into its own fantasy world. It's a surreal escapade from the mundane, dark and dull real world."

"If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious."

"The plain truth is that Adam Eget is an alcoholic and that’s why he doesn’t drink. Me, I’m not an alcoholic and that’s why I do drink. Life sure is funny that way."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don't know what's going on."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

“I just hate plugs. It just doesn't seem entertaining to me.”

"Ask any sports fan and they'll give you accounts of how sports has its own way in helping you cope with the darkness of life."

"I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing."

"I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that."

"It’s more like the sketch artist way at the back of the courtroom who is doing his level best to capture images that no longer are."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?"

"An addiction is a deep hook, and sometimes the harder you wriggle to escape her, the deeper she goes."

"It was like a broken calculator... It just didn't add up."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them."

"When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous."

"Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage."
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

“As long as the red dice are in the air, the gambler has hope. And hope is a wonderful thing to be addicted to.”
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"I don't have any ego about it, but I find there's not a great work ethic in show business."

"I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end, you still like sports."

"A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you're dead."

“When it's unexpected, death comes fast like a ravenous wolf and tears open your throat with a merciful fury.”
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him."

“As Adolf Hitler once said, all publicity is good publicity.”
- 'Based on a True Story: Not A Memoir', 2016.

"He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me... and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things."

“I cannot find Norm’s essence. It is a problem I’ve never encountered as a ghost, and I need to truly become him to finish the book."

"When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny."

"In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is."

"Stand-up has the best writers because it's the hardest writing by a million miles."

"I'm no good at anything but comedy, which I think I'm good at."

"I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae."

The Kidadl Team is made up of people from different walks of life, from different families and backgrounds, each with unique experiences and nuggets of wisdom to share with you. From lino cutting to surfing to children’s mental health, their hobbies and interests range far and wide. They are passionate about turning your everyday moments into memories and bringing you inspiring ideas to have fun with your family.

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