36+ Emo Philips Quotes From The Famous Stand-Up Comedian

Philip Soltanec, better known as Emo Philips, is a renowned American stand-up comedian and voice actor.

He is best known for his on-stage performance, especially his sense of humor and comic material that evokes the wisdom of children. Apart from that, Philips' comedy albums, such as'E=mo²' and 'Emo', are also very popular among his fans.

Here is a collection of the best Emo Philips quotes that will definitely make your day!

Read some of the most famous Emo Philips quotes below.

"I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important."

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."

"You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize."

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."

"I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won."

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow."

“I like walking in the park… plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.” - 'Dr. Katz. Professional Therapist'.

"I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'"

"I used to be scared of pretty girls until one confessed they're just as scared of me."

(The funniest Emo Philips quotes are a must-read for all Emo Philips fans.)

Emo Philips had a great sense of humor. Read the funniest Emo Philips quotes in this section, to be amused.

"When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them."

"People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce."

"You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!"

"I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?"

"I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats."

"England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'."

“I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.” - Psychology Today, July 2006.

"In our school, you were searched for guns and knives on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."

“The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow, a sweatband is considered a silencer.” - 'Emo Philips', The Guardian, Sanjib Bhattacharya, July 2006.

“I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face'. I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well'.” - GQ Magazine, 1999.

"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes."

"Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?"

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets."

"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.."

“I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.” - 'A Fine How-Do-Ya-Do!'.

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."

Besides pure comedy, Philips often worked on political material also. Here are some of the best Emo Philips quotes on democracy.

"All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others."

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, “You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.” - 'E=MO²', 1985.

"My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family."

Emo Philips has delivered many jokes related to religion and God. You will find the best ones below.

"When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster." - The Guardian, 1980.

"A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."." - The Guardian, 1980.

"When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized, the Lord, in His wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center."

“Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.” - 'A Fine How-Do-Ya-Do!'.

“I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.” - The Guardian, 1980.