Top 21 Funniest Jackie Chiles Quotes From The Hilarious Seinfeld Character

The character of Jackie Chiles, based on the famous attorney Johnnie Cochran, is played by Phil Morris.

Jackie Chiles was the fast-speaking attorney in the American Sitcom 'Seinfeld'. The sitcom was based on the absurd happenings in New York City.

The character played by Phil Morris had a big impact in making the series so popular. The fact that people still recall his dialogues is evidence of this. Here are some of the best quotes from him which will make the readers want to watch 'Seinfeld' right away.

If you like this article, you may also want to check our other quotes articles George Costanza quotes and Kramer quotes.

Here you will find Jackie Chiles quotes on 'Seinfeld'.

1. "You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase."

– Jackie Chiles.

2. "Cosmo Kramer: She's the candy bar heiress.

Jackie Chiles: Could you repeat that?

Cosmo Kramer: I said she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.

Jackie Chiles: O'Henry? That's one of our top-selling candy bars. It's got chocolate, peanuts, nougat. It's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding!"

- 'Seinfeld'.

3. “I’ve been practicing law for 25 years and you're listening to a caddy.”

– Jackie Chiles.

4. "It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing—lying and laughing, laughing and lying."

- Jackie Chiles.

5. "You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn’t tell you to put the balm on. Why’d you put the balm on? You haven’t even been to see the doctor. If you’re gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on."

– Jackie Chiles.

6. "Sidra: Oh, Jackie, you're so articulate.

Jackie Chiles: We have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days. Hello? Damn, they're ready."

- 'Seinfeld'.

7. "This is the most public yet of my many humiliations."

– Jackie Chiles.

8. "Lawyer Hoyt: Uromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble to control themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!

Jackie Chiles: Objection, Your Honor. This is completely inappropriate. My clients' medical condition is not the business here. I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990."

- 'Seinfeld'.

Here are some of the famous 'Seinfeld' Jackie Chiles quotes.

9. “That’s totally inappropriate. It’s lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous.”

- Jackie Chiles.

10. "Jackie Chiles: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.

Secretary: Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.

Jackie Chiles: You people with the cheese, it never ends. Hello? Mmm-huh. Mmm-huh. Mmm-huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it."

- 'Seinfeld'.

11. “I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money."

- Jackie Chiles.

12. "Suzie, I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top."

- Jackie Chiles.

13. "Elaine: How do I look, Jackie?

Jackie Chiles: Oh, you looking good. You look strong. You're one fine-looking lady.

Elaine: Thank you, Jackie.

Kramer: How about me, Jackie?

Jackie Chiles: Kramer, you always look good my friend. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that."

- 'Seinfeld'.

14. "Now, when you took a sip, did you notice it was hot? Were you able to sip it in your normal fashion?"

- Jackie Chiles.

15. "No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. Now get out."

- Jackie Chiles.

Here are the funniest quotes between Jackie Chiles and his friends.

16. "Lawyer Hoyt: So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?

Defendant : [mumble]

Lawyer Hoyt: Excuse me?

Jackie Chiles: Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on."

- 'Seinfeld'.

17. "Jackie Chiles: Have you been to a doctor?

Kramer: No.

Jackie Chiles: Susie, call Dr. Bison, set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer. Tell him it's for me.

Kramer: So what do you think, Jackie? I mean we got a case?

Jackie Chiles: Like taking candy from a baby."

- 'Seinfeld'.

18. “Yeah, that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.”

- Jackie Chiles.

19. "Jackie Chiles: Did that warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance?

Kramer: No, it didn't say anything.

Jackie Chiles: So you're a victim. Now your face is sallow, unattractive, disgusting.

Kramer: So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?

Jackie Chiles: Your face is my case."

- 'Seinfeld'.

20. "You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable."

- Jackie Chiles.

21. "Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man."

- Jackie Chiles.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for Jackie Chiles quotes then why not take a look at Larry David quotes, or Tina Fey quotes.