80+ Best Tom Haverford Quotes That All Parks And Rec Fans Will Remember
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One of the most unintentionally brilliant characters created on the popular TV show 'Parks And Recreation', Tom Haverford is a hilarious, albeit unenthusiastic government employee of the Pawnee County Parks and Recreation Department.
Posted as the right-hand man of Deputy Director Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford, played by actor Aziz Ansari, is an enigmatic and highly outspoken Parks Department employee. He is one of the most dramatic characters on 'Parks And Rec', as the hit satire mockumentary sitcom is fondly called.
The character played by Aziz Ansari often comes up with his own names for everyday things. Some of the best Tom Haverford food names, otherwise known as Tom Haverford food slang are seen in this quote: "Zerts are what I call desserts, tre-tres are entrees.
I call sandwiches, sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandler. Air conditioners are cool blasters – with a Z." He also calls fried chicken "fry-fry chicky-chick", cool right?
We've brought you some of the best Tom Haverford sayings and Tom Haverford names for things, to give you a taste of the character played by Aziz Ansari is so relatable. If you like these 'Parks And Rec' Tom Haverford quotes, make sure to also check out our 'Parks And Rec' quotes and [April Ludgate quotes].
Tom Haverford Best Quotes For Fans
1. "Well, let's get in my go-go mobile... Car."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
2. "Rootbeer, is super water."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
3. "How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
4. "Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question – is it a banger?"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
5. "I call eggs, pre-birds, or future birds."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
6. "Love... Love fades away. But things... Things are forever.
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
7. "Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
8. "Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
9. "Tortillas are bean blankies."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
10. "Treat yo self."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
11. "I really am amazing."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
12. "I've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to, 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
13. "This is actually a dog couch, but it's super comfortable."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
14. "Warning! High levels of swagger coming through."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
15. "Let me tell you how it’s going to go down. In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and then BAM – I start crying."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
16. "And I call forks, food rakes."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
17. "This is the hardest I've worked on anything, since... Wow! I've never worked hard on anything. What a cool life!"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
18. "We're done-zo!"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
19. "When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
20. "Despite what my pocket square says, I’m not a billionaire."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
Epic Quotes By Tom From 'Parks And Recreation'
Here are the best of Tom Haverford quotes involving some hilarious conversations with others from the show including an iconic Tom Haverford plant names quote.
21. "Chris Traeger: Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in the United States.
Tom Haverford: Soon to be third. Lookout, San Antonio!"
22. "Ben Wyatt: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now. So, when you use the word nerd derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist.
Tom Haverford: Yes, that's perfect. Just like that, be incredibly boring."
23. "Tom Haverford: Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the name of rappers.
Leslie Knope: And those over there?
Tom Haverford: Oh, those are some Diddies. There's some Bone Thugs and Harmoniums right there."
24. "Tom Haverford: Mind if I steal you away for a few seconds? Give you the 'tails?
Martin Kernston: The 'tails?
Tom Haverford: The details. Most people would probably say the deets.' I say the 'tails. Just one example of innovation."
25. "Tom Haverford: Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
Donna Meagle: Clothes.
Tom Haverford: Treat yo self."
26. "Leslie Knope: Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?
Tom Haverford: Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet."
27. "Hey Kris Kross, can we change the music?"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
28. "Tom Haverford: So what do you think of your new assistant?
Ron Swanson: I want to punch you in the face so bad right now."
29. ""Zerts are what I call desserts, tre-tres are entrees."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
30. "Jerry, get out."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
31. "Tom Haverford: I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.
Leslie Knope: That was pine trees."
32. "Ron, your toast sucked."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
33. "Leslie Knope: N. Tom N. Haverford.
Tom Haverford: Ha! The N stands for nerd. I never check that one because no one ever responds to it. Tom N. Haverford collects globes. His favorite movie is books."
34. "Man is the most dangerous game."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
35. "Tom Haverford: Connections. Plus 19 grand a year. Minus 10% headhunters fee.
Applicant: I have to pay you two grand if I get hired?"
36. "Tom Haverford: What did you do now, Jerry?
Jerry Gergich: I didn't do this!
Tom Haverford: Jerry's fault! Jerry's fault! Jerry's fault!"
37. "Ben Wyatt: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom Haverford: Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben."
38. "April Ludgate: Ugh, whatever. The truth is stupid. I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
Tom Haverford: Yeah, lying is all I know. It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and get reunited with the love of my life Latika."
39. "Ron Swanson: Tommy boy. Lemme tell you something,
Tom Haverford: You suck at Scrabble. I know. You're destroying me."
40. "Donna Meagle: The predator can see heat.
Tom Haverford: We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there."
Quotes From The Best Tom Haverford Moments
These are the Tom Haverford best moments from 'Parks And Rec' that'll have you ROFL.
41. "Ron... Can you put some more tiny marshmallows in my hot choccy?"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
42. "I’ve been a baller since birth, son. Now I’m an athlete."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
43. "Let's make a pact, OK? If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
44. "Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick, chicken parm is chicky-chicky parm-parm."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
45. "For my item, I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
46. "You don’t know Jay-Z's schedule, he's a Renaissance man."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
47. "One time my refrigerator stopped working, I didn't know what to do. I just moved."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
48. "My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
49. "He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
50. "Twilight is dope. I couldn’t put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
51. "You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake. That's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
52. "Ron does this weird thing where he says exactly what he means. Just ignore him."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
53. "This is embarrassing for you."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
54. "Ben, stop! This is like listening to a Ted Talk by the color beige!"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
55. "Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me but he's a disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an island."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
56. "This is the hottest restaurant in LA. All the sushi is made from fish previously owned by celebrities."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
57. "Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
58. "I gotta nail the speech. So I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
59. "Oh my god! This is a whole new level of nerd!"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
60. "Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don’t have the heart to tell them what's gonna happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
Tom Haverford Best Sayings From 'Parks And Rec'
Take a look at the best Tom Haverford quotes, including the iconic line, "one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit"! Which is your favorite line?
61. "Did I do basketball?"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
62."I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
63. "One of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
66. "How dare you, sir! I was tweeting."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
67. "Velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a cashmere, velvet candy cane."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
68. "Every day I start by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes, I like to throw in LinkedIn, for the professional shawties."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
69. "No, I don’t text her, 'It was nice meeting you.' I wait eight weeks and I text her, 'What’s crackin?'"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
70. "In one brushstroke, Jerry has destroyed the JZ vibe I have taken years to build up and replaced it with a brown baby vibe, which is not as good a vibe."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
71. "Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
72."Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse. That’s only open, for one hour, two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
73. "Emojis are little cartoons you text instead of words."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
74. "This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells... I'm guessing."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
75. "Yeah, Jessica is a gold-digger. But I'm a gold-digger digger."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
76. "No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?"
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
77. "I love gChat, you can talk to anybody! I hit up brad.pitt. It wasn’t the actor. It was actually a guy named Brad that’s a teacher in Pittsburgh. We don’t have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
78. "So Ben, tell us about Star Trek."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
79. "I call cakes 'big ol' cookies."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
80. "I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he's in there."
-Tom Haverford, 'Parks And Recreation'.
Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for Tom Haverford quotes, then why not take a look at these Andy Dwyer quotes, or [funny TV quotes] for more?
Main image credit: Eugene Powers / Shutterstock.com
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Bachelor of Commerce specializing in Accounting and Finance, Master of Business Administration
Divya RaghavBachelor of Commerce specializing in Accounting and Finance, Master of Business Administration
With a diverse range of experience in finance, administration, and operations, Divya is a diligent worker known for her attention to detail. Born and raised in Bangalore, she completed her Bachelor's in Commerce from Christ University and is now pursuing an MBA at Narsee Monjee Institute of Management Studies, Bangalore. Along with her professional pursuits, Divya has a passion for baking, dancing, and writing content. She is also an avid animal lover who dedicates her time to volunteering for animal welfare causes.
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