Top 41 Jack Handey Quotes From The Comedian And Author

Moumita Dutta
Dec 12, 2023 By Moumita Dutta
Originally Published on Mar 04, 2021
Standup Comedy
Age: 0-99
Read time: 6.6 Min

Jack Handey is a well-known world-class American humorist.

Jack Handey was born in February 1949 in Texas, United States. He is known for his world-renowned Saturday Night Live ‘Deep Thoughts'.

Saturday Night Live 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey is a national bestselling with short and hilarious observations on life. Each joke of his is full of American humor. Everyday things like war, rain and dreams are something you will find in his jokes. If you ever feel low, it could be a good idea to read his quotes.

If you like this article, check out Tiny Fey quotes or [Jack Donaghy quotes].

Famous Jack Handey Quotes

classic typewriter on author's desk

Here are some famous American Jack Handey quotes, including Jack Handey quotes on writing.

1. "I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it"

- Jack Handey.

2. "I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you."

- Jack Handey.

3. "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — 'mank' and 'ind.' What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."

- Jack Handey.

4. "If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a man behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

- Jack Handey.

5. "Things are evening out all the time, if you take time to notice, like I do"

- Jack Handey.

6. "With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it."

- Jack Handey.

7. "To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary."

- Jack Handey.

8. "If a skeleton’s not scary, what’s the point of even having one?"

- Jack Handey.

Hilarious Jack Handey Quotes

Here are some hilarious Jack Handey quotes. This includes some Jack Handey quotes about love and Jack Handey quotes on drama.

9. "To me, it's always a good idea to carry two sacks of something when you walk around."

- Jack Handey.

10. "If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny."

- Jack Handey.

11. "Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out."

- Jack Handey.

12. "If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."

- Jack Handey.

13. "To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

- Jack Handey.

14. "If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It just means you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance."

- Jack Handey.

15. "In my opinion anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy."

- Jack Handey.

16. "If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp."

- Jack Handey.

Short Jack Handey Quotes

Here are some short and funny Jack Handey quotes. This includes some great SNL Jack Handey quotes:

17. "Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?! "

- Jack Handey.

18. "If they ever build a statue of me, I hope they don't have me with my mouth wide open and holding a sign that says 'I love rotten eggs'"

- Jack Handey.

19. “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” 

- Jack Handey.

20. “Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read a book.” 

- Jack Handey.

21. “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.” 

- Jack Handey.

22. "If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."

- Jack Handey.

23. "Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are."

- Jack Handey.

24. "Someday I would like to make a movie that makes people laugh and makes people cry."

- Jack Handey.

Funny Jack Handey Quotes

Here are some funny one liners with some 'Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey quotes. This list includes some Christmas Jack Handey quotes as well.

25. "Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"

- Jack Handey.

26. "Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before."

- Jack Handey.

27. "If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood."

- Jack Handey.

28. "I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"

- Jack Handey.

29. "If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go...because man, they're gone!'

- Jack Handey.

Jack Handey Quotes From 'Deep Thoughts'

Here is a list of one liners from book Saturday Night Live 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey.

30. "I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."

- Jack Handey, 'Deep Thoughts'.

31. "When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point."

- Jack Handey, 'Deep Thoughts'.

32. "I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do." 

- Jack Handey, 'Deep Thoughts'.

33. "Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads."

- Jack Handey, 'Deep Thoughts'.

34. "If anyone says 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You say 'Sorry, got these sacks'."

- Jack Handey, 'Deep Thoughts'.

Best Jack Handey Quotes

This list has some quotes from 'Fuzzy Memories' by Jack Handey. It also includes Jack Handey quotes about work.

35. "Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing every year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."

- Jack Handey.

36. "Probably the saddest thing you will ever see is a mosquito on a mummy. Forget it, little friend."

- Jack Handey.

37. "I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, I'd have all my money back."

- Jack Handey.

38. "It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money."

- Jack Handey.

39. "It's fascinating to think that all around us there is an invisible world we can't even see."

- Jack Handey.

40. "Sometimes its hard to tell if something is actually a memory, or you just dreamed it."

- Jack Handey, 'Fuzzy Memories'.

41. "It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."

- Jack Handey, 'Fuzzy Memories'.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for Jack Handey quotes then why not take a look at Stuart Smalley quotes, or Gilda Radner quotes.

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Sources

https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/7381946.Jack_Handy

https://www.quotetab.com/quotes/by-jack-handy

https://everydaypower.com/jack-handey-quotes/

https://libquotes.com/jack-handey

http://authors.citatepedia.com/by.php?p=16&a=Jack+Handey

http://www.quoteworld.org/lies/author/jack_handey__deep_thoughts_.html

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Written by Moumita Dutta

Bachelor of Arts specializing in Journalism and Mass Communication, Postgraduate Diploma in Sports Management

Moumita Dutta picture

Moumita DuttaBachelor of Arts specializing in Journalism and Mass Communication, Postgraduate Diploma in Sports Management

A content writer and editor with a passion for sports, Moumita has honed her skills in producing compelling match reports and stories about sporting heroes. She holds a degree in Journalism and Mass Communication from the Indian Institute of Social Welfare and Business Management, Calcutta University, alongside a postgraduate diploma in Sports Management.

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