200 Best British Jokes, Puns, And One-Liners | Kidadl


200 Best British Jokes, Puns, And One-Liners

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Why British Jokes

Have you ever wanted to break the ice in a conversation but could not come up with anything? Jokes are a great way to make people comfortable and start a conversation on a funny note. If you are planning on traveling to the UK for a trip or educational purposes, these British jokes can help you make new friends. British humor is well-known to be open, dry, and sarcastic. It is a beautiful experience to be a part of a group and laugh at each other with each other. These well-intentioned jokes are meant to bring laughter and joy to any conversation so that you avoid any awkward silences. After all, laughter is the best medicine! These hilarious English jokes and puns will knock your socks off!

What parents should know?

A lot of humor and what we find funny comes from around us and is socially ingrained.

When taken out of context, jokes may come across as mean or seem to promote cultural appropriation. It is important to note that these jokes are meant as light conversation starters and do not wish to propagate any prejudices.

British humor is popular worldwide due to its self-aware nature, which also lends to the popularity of British stand-up comedy.

What to discuss with kids?

Being able to read the room is an essential life skill. Having the right comedic timing makes the jokes appropriate and ensures no one's feelings are hurt.

Being considerate of others' feelings helps maintain good bonds. Jokes, however well-intentioned, can deeply hurt someone's feelings. Apologizing, taking accountability, and ensuring that your honest intention reaches the person can help make everyone feel better.

It is important to understand that jokes are sometimes exaggerated for humor. Generalizing people purely based on jokes could lead one's judgment astray. It is not in good nature to look down on someone when joking.

Funny English Jokes

Memorizing an English joke is easy peasy.

1. What had the English telecom representative said to the man who wanted to describe a nuisance caller? Oh, you again.

2. Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could drive!

3. Why doesn't England have a designated kidney bank? They have a 'Liverpool'.

4. What does the Lochness monster call his favorite dish? 'Fish & Ships'.

5. Why doesn't any royal family member go to Starbucks? They don't have an option for 'royal-tea'.

6. What does the English owl call his favorite TV show? Dr. Whoot.

7. What do you do after reaching Greenwich? Find something to occupy you in the meantime.

8. How do individuals in Scotland, England, Northern Ireland, and Wales ask each other about their well-being on text? 'U K?'

9. Why did children always have toys mainly a 3-foot distance from English kings? The kings had limited heirspace.

10. Why didn't Frideric Handel shop in London? He had gone 'Baroque'.

11. Why did the woman have a horrible time in London? She had a horrible 'heir' day.

12. Why did the graduate reminisce his college days in England so fondly? Those were the best of Thames.

13. Why was the pet owner having such a hard time with the puppy he'd just adopted in England? The puppy couldn't be 'thamed'.

14. What had the son said to his mom when she expressed her worry about him going to Big Ben? It's just Big Ben, there's no reason to be alarmed.

15. What was the man feeling after getting swindled under Big Ben? He was 'ticked off'.

16. What did the English banker say to the river who was looking to open a new account? You can easily bank on me.

17. Why is everybody in London always nearly late? They're always nearly on the 'Thames'.

18. What is the main distinction between ohms and watts? Watts measure energy, while 'Ohms' are the places that Brits reside in.

19. Why was the English man so sad about being in college, so far away from his lover? He couldn't 'Oxford' to see her.

20. How does every English joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

21. My father is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London. He works round the clock.

22. I bought some "London Bridge Jeans". They keep "falling down".

23. What do you call a Dollar Store in England? Pound Town.

24. Brits prefer brooms over vacuum cleaners when cleaning their floors. But that might be a sweeping generalization.

25. What do you call someone who is only kind of from Britain? Brit-ish.

26. Why don't Americans spell "color" like "colour?" It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don't need u.

27. What did Shakespeare call his shower? 'McBath'.

28. Why is no one late in London? Because there's a big clock right in the middle of the town!

29. If a British person takes a close look at something, how would you describe it? 'Propaganda'.

30. Which nuts are British people's favorites? 'Chess Nuts'.

31. Why did the tourist get his eyesight fixed before going to Britain? He wanted to see the London eye.

32. What did Britain say to its trade partners? I'll see 'EU' later.

33. English lady: Waiter! What sort of soup is this?

Waiter: Why? It's bean soup.

English lady: I don't care what it's been! I want to know what it is now!

34. Englishman walks into a bakery in Glasgow and asks, "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?" The bakery says, "You're right it's a doughnut."

Hilarious English Puns

You should never let bad weather bring you down.

35. A pair of English twins loved to play with water while traveling. Their favorite part of summer trips was always Bath time.

36. A man told his wife from Brighton, "You really 'Brighton' up my life."

37. An English detective was running around the country looking for 'Leeds' for his case.

38. A couple was standing under the famous London clock, when the husband asked his wife, "I wish we could have 'Ben' here when it was being built."

39. A group of friends was going around England trying to look for greater theatres to recreate their amazing London experience. They were 'globe-trotting'.

40. The English Strait was having a rough month, so his friend suggested that he channel his energy into being productive.

41. Two friends decided to ride around a park for 10 hours straight. After the crazy experience, one of them mentioned, "That was a wild 'Hyde'."

42. The English baker was infamous for being a bad musician. He could never play the 'crumpet' really well.

43. Two English fish were debating how to pay for the lunch they were going to order. Finally, both of them agreed to 'chip in'.

44. The English dessert was really grateful that her friend, the Haggis, was always by her side. "Thank you so much for pudding up with my mess!" said the dessert.

45. The chef made sure to tour all the bakeries in England. He didn't want to leave a single 'scone' unturned.

46. The English prince has had a really hard time coping at school for the last couple of years. He has to appoint a 'Tudor'.

47. I want the term' England's Royalty' printed on my hoodie. I think it has a nice ring.

48. English warlords didn't have a lot of choices when it came to their enemies. They could only play the hand that they were 'celt'.

49. My sister just came back from her summer semester in England. She's really 'Austen-tacious' now.

50. Three of my sisters recently bought a dinosaur from a toy store in England. They were really adamant about naming it 'Bronte-sauras'.

51. My friend's favorite series is Harry Potter, so she goes to England many times a year. Fortunately, she is 'Rowling' in money.

52. The last time I talked to my brother, he was really sick. I haven't talked to him in a while, so I don't know if he is sick 'Orwell' anymore.

53. An English journalist went to the train station to catch his scheduled train at 2 pm when someone accidentally mistook him for a luggage handler. "I can't handle your luggage, I'm only a 're-porter'", he chuckled.

54. Why do people say "break a leg" when you go on stage? Because every play has a cast.

55. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!

56. Many British people tend to make 'pour' decisions after going to the pub.

57. What time do British tennis players go to bed? 'Tennish'.

58. What do you do if you're driving your car in central London and you see a space man? Park in it, of course.

59. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!"

"No!" the woman yelled back, "Cardigan!"

60. If I were Maria in 'The Sound of Music' and I heard them sing 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria' at my wedding, I would be like, "Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it?

61. Why shouldn't you argue with someone while riding the London Eye? There's no point, you'll just keep moving in circles.

62. A British man started a locksmith service in July 2020. He named it 'Surelock Homes'.

63. What was the man feeling after he got swindled right under Big Ben? He was 'ticked off'.

64. Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are 'weekdays'.

65. How do cows stay up to date? They read the 'Moo-spaper'.

66. I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It's 'soda pressing'.

67. Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.

68. How do astronomers organize a party? They 'planet'.

69. What did the little champagne bottle call his father? "Pop."

70. "Are you the English teacher?" "Yes, I are."

71. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. 'Riveting!'

72. How do you greet a British programmer named Cathryn? 'Allo-cate.

73. What do you call a British soldier who lives in a bathroom? A 'Lu-Tennant.'

74. What do you call a cute British person? A 'queue tea.'

75. So many British jokes after the Brexit Vote. EU, it's disgusting.

British Jokes

76. What do British people eat in the morning? Cheerios, mate!

77. Why do Brits end up losing weight easily? Every time they make a purchase, they lose a couple of pounds.

78. Why are penguins so scared of entering Great Britain? They don't like to go near 'Wales'.

79. Why do British people always talk about their finances on television? It adds 10 pounds.

80. Is the rumor about British people loving queues true? I'll be the first to tell you it isn't.

81. Where was a bunch of British people attacked by a gang of chickens? 'Peckham'.

82. Why was Sherlock Holmes looking at the Monopoly box with suspicion? He thought a game was afoot.

83. What is London called when it doesn't have any electricity? 'Londoff'.

84. Why did the evil man try to poison the baker and his assistant? He wanted to try killing two Brits with a 'scone'.

85. Why was the tourist getting his eyesight fixed before going to Britain? He wanted to see the London eye.

86. Why shouldn't you argue with someone while riding the London Eye? There's no point, you'll just keep moving in circles.

87. What do you call a London train that is full of lecturers? A tube filled with smarties.

88. An lady says to her friend on the park bench, "I think it's Thursday." Her friend replied, "So am I, let's have a cup of tea."

89. What is the longest word in the English language? "Smiles." Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

90. What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? 'Bubble 07.'

91. The past tense of William Shakespeare. 'Wouldiwas Shookspeared.'

92. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels!

93. What's the difference between a triangle and Manchester United? A triangle has three points.

94. What do Great Britain and houseguests have in common? They take forever to leave…

95. Why can't British people go to North Korea? Nobody at the ticket counter knows what "North career" means.

96. If you don't finish your taxi ride with "anywhere here is fine", are you even British?

97. Interviewer: "I'm going to give you a Britishness test."

Englishman: "Yeah, right, whatever, that's daft."

Interviewer: "Congratulations, you passed!"

98. What do you call a sunny day in the UK? Imagination.

99. What happens when a British guy makes a promise? He Brexit.

100. I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds! The only problem is I'm British...

101. What's something that feels British but isn't? The contents of the British Museum.

102. What do you call a British man with no arms and a gun? 'armless.

103. British English has only three vowels: A, I, O. They have left EU.

104. British people are always recording their finances because the camera adds ten pounds.

105. I like both kinds of British cuisine... fish AND chips.

106. How do you know James bond is British? He needs a licence to kill.

107. How are the British taking to the Metric System? Inch by inch.

108. What do you call a British Bee Smashing and Dashing? A Honey Nut, Cheerio.

109. Why didn't the Americans like the British coin factory? It made no cents.

110. I can afford to hire a private jet, but I prefer to fly British Airways. It keeps me grounded.

111. If the British empire spoke Queen's English does that mean the Americans spoke rebels' tongues?

112. What did the short American scientist say to the tall British scientist? You're pretty 'Fahrenheit.'

113. What's the best way for an American to lose weight? Gamble in British currency.

114. What do you call a sweaty British Millionaire? 'All-quid.'

115. It's funny that the British Empire conquered the spice traders of the world...considering they never used any of it in their food.

116. What do you call 2000 British Pounds? A ton of money.

117. I would imagine that Super Bowl 50 will be one L of a game... If you're British.

118. What do the British say before they go to the toilet? 'Toodle-oo!'

119. What unit of measurement do the British use to measure very heavy objects? BriTONS.

120. Wasn't my British accent great? I thought all British accents were Great British accents.

British Puns

121. My friend, an ice cream seller, is obsessed with British rock bands. He even went as far as naming his ice cream shop 'The Rolling Cones'.

122. If they were going to make a British food version of 'Game Of Thrones', they'd name it 'Game Of Scones'.

123. My friend just invested in a new company that provides haircuts to British people on flights. It's called 'British Hairways'.

124. My British cousin recently opened up her own fish and chips shop. She named it 'Oh My Cod'.

125. There's a great fish and chips shop in London near King Crustacean.

126. A British fish and an American fish met each other many years later. After their first greeting, the British fish said to the American fish, "I can't believe this is the first time we're going to see each other from across the pond."

127. Why did the graduate reminisce his college days in England so fondly? Those were the best of 'Thames'.

128. What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.

129. A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?" The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

130. My favorite rapper is 50 cent or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

131. Apparently, the British hated rows, which was why they columnized so many places.

132. Tried to sue British Airways because they lost my luggage. Turns out I didn't have a case.

133. What kind of instrument does a British person play? A 'UK-lele.'

134. Which vegetable do British people love the most? 'Queuecumbers.'

135. If I had a dollar for every dollar I'd spent... I'd still have no dollars. I'm British.

136. 'A Tale of Two Cities' was originally serialized in two local papers in the British Midlands. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

137. Being a part of the British cavalry? It's a 'tankless' job.

Tea Puns

138. What does a British feminist want? 'Equali-tea'.

139. A British man loved to live in fantasy land. The tea he hated the most was 'reali-tea'.

140. I only got tea from the grocery store this morning. This confused my British husband since I never get that much tea. So, he asked me what I was going to make for dinner. I replied "Spaghett-tea of course."

141. British ghosts really like drinking tea. Their favorite kind is 'immortali-tea'.

142. If a British person is too relaxed during tea time, they can get injured or die. One should avoid a 'casual-tea' as much as possible.

143. What tea can a person from Britain not stand? 'Humidi-tea'.

144. What does a British real estate agent care most about? His 'proper-tea'.

145. What do you give a British person who made a grave error during a match? A 'penal-tea'.

146. Why did the British tea maker deliver the tea packages himself even though he was sick? He was trying to fulfill his 'due-tea'.

147. What was the British tea thinking about when he had an existential crisis? 'Mortali-tea'.

148. Why did the British Air hostess not allow any more tea bags into the plane? They had reached full 'capaci-tea'.

149. British people are very artistic, probably because they consume a lot of 'creativi-tea'.

150. You should never question the royal family's tea choices. It is a matter of national 'sovereign-tea'.

151. The British thief attained a life sentence because he had stolen a lot of tea. They pronounced him 'guilt-tea' in court.

152. The biggest concern of the British people during the Boston Tea Party was related to the 'safe-tea' of their cargo.

Tea Jokes

153. What do British people like to wear? 'Tea-shirts'.

154. My child wants to give up drinking milk with a dash of tea. I won't let him become a 'tea-toddler'.

155. Why do British people say, "I'm Bri ish"? Because they love to drink the t.

156. How many days of the week start with t?

It depends. If you are American it's two, but if you are British then pretty much every day of the week starts with tea.

157. How did the British celebrate successful colonization? By 'tea-bagging' the masses.

158. What does the British fox say? Hot tea hot tea hot tea ho!

159. I think it is better to make drinking tea a habit since it provides you with a lot of health benefits. The same benefits are not provided to 'cough-y' drinkers.

160. A British man takes a sip of his coffee... And says, This is not my cup of tea.

161. Why were the British salty about losing America? They got tea-bagged.

162. What's a British student's favorite drink? 'M.I.Tea'.

163. When can a British have some fun? Past tea time.

164. What element do British people like early in the morning? 'Strong-tea-um'.

165. How do we know Rick is British? He is always looking for 'Morty'!

166. I told these jokes to a British person. They were a little 'tea'd' off.

Britain Location Puns

167. Bristol's firing

168. Call me Steff London

169. Cambridge the gap between us.

170. I'd love a trip to England, but I can't Oxford it.

171. Bath time!

172. Slough your roll.

173. I don't know where I want to go, Norwich way I want to get there. 

174. You really Brighton up my day.

175. Nottingham get past you, can it?

176. Knife and York

177. I'll follow your Leeds

178. Canterbury him somewhere else?

179. Having a romantic Bath.

180. Stoke-d to be here.

181. Why did we get a Newcastle? What happened to the old one?

182. I was so tired, but I Preston.

183. You can Leeds a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

184. We've had a blast Durham our trip.

185. Salisbury-ed over there.

186. You're the missing Lincoln the evolution chart.

187. We've Albans there before.

188. Truro words were never spoken.

189. Warwick you 100%.

190. Hereford today. Gone tomorrow.

191. I Ely wanted to come to England!

192. Ding, ding, ding, we have a Winnersh.

193. England can't be Thamed.

194. This trip is quite a Cliff-hanger.

195. Where have you Ben all my life?

196. Kent you come here?

197. What a Tyne to be alive.

198. I keep my money in the Southbank.

199. I'm Dover it.

200. What a wild Hyde this trip has been.

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Rajnandini is an art lover and enthusiastically likes to spread her knowledge. With a Master of Arts in English, she has worked as a private tutor and, in the past few years, has moved into content writing for companies such as Writer's Zone. Trilingual Rajnandini has also published work in a supplement for 'The Telegraph', and had her poetry shortlisted in Poems4Peace, an international project. Outside work, her interests include music, movies, travel, philanthropy, writing her blog, and reading. She is fond of classic British literature.

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