170+ Best British Jokes, Puns, And One-Liners

Oluwatosin Michael
Feb 29, 2024 By Oluwatosin Michael
Originally Published on Dec 04, 2020
Edited by Flora Wilson
The Town Crier of the City of Chester, holding his bell and shouting the news on the town's streets.
Age: 0-99
Read time: 16.9 Min

Ready for a barrel of laughs that'll brighten up your day and give your funny bone a good tickle? Jokes can be the perfect icebreaker, transforming the most awkward silences into giggles and chuckles. The Brits are masters of humor, renowned for their jolly good puns. So, whether you're jetting off to the UK soon or just want to spice up your joke repertoire with some international humor, these classic British jokes and one-liners will have you chortling in no time.

Brace yourself for a laughter workout that'll leave you in high spirits and with an insider's peek into that quintessentially British sense of humor! These jokes are not just humor, they're an open invitation to a jolly good time, straight from the heart of Britain's legendary wit. So sit back, relax, and let the fun begin!

Funny English Jokes

Ever find yourself in need of a good chuckle? Get ready to unleash that inner giggle and spread some laughter! English humor, a wonderful mix of clever wit and unexpected twists, is just the ticket. These delightful English jokes are here to infuse your day with fun, lighten up any conversation, and maybe even give you the title of the funniest person in the room.

A guards band marching in front of buckingham palace.

1. What did the English telecom representative say to the man who wanted to describe a nuisance caller? "Oh, you again."

2. Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could drive.

3. Why doesn't England have a designated kidney bank? They have a Liverpool instead.

4. What does the Loch Ness monster eat? Fish and ships.

5. Why doesn't any British royal family member go to Starbucks? They don't have an option for royal-tea.

6. What does the English owl call its favorite TV show? Dr. Whoot.

7. What do you do after reaching Greenwich? Find something to occupy you in the meantime.

8. How do individuals in Scotland, England, Northern Ireland, and Wales ask each other about their well-being on text? 'U, K?'

9. Why did the British women bring umbrellas to the tea party? Because they wanted to have a shade of fun.

10. Why didn't Frideric Handel shop in London? He had gone 'Baroque'.

11. Why did the woman have a horrible time in London? She had a horrible heir day.

12. Why did the graduate reminisce about his college days in England so fondly? Those were the best of Thames.

13. Why was the British pet owner having such a hard time with the puppy he'd just adopted? The puppy couldn't be thamed.

14. What did the mother say to her son when he was afraid to go see Big Ben? "It's just big Ben, there's no reason to be alarmed."

15. What's a foreigner with a British accent called? An accent-tourist! They've caught the British bug.

16. What did the English banker say to the river that was looking to open a new account? You can easily bank on me.

17. Why don't British people pronounce their T's? They drank it all up.

18. What is the main distinction between ohms and watts? Watts measure energy, while ohms are the places that Brits reside in.

19. Why was the English man so sad about being in college, so far away from his lover? He couldn't Oxford to see her.

20. How does every British joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

21. My father is a bus driver who circles Big Ben in London. He works round the clock.

22. I bought some London Bridge jeans. They keep falling down.

23. What do you call a Dollar store in England? Pound Town.

24. Brits prefer brooms over vacuum cleaners when cleaning their floors. But that might be a sweeping generalization.

25. What do you call someone who is almost from Britain? Brit-ish.

26. Why don't Americans spell 'colour' as 'color?' It is their way of telling Great Britain, "We don't need u."

27. What did Shakespeare call his shower? 'McBath'.

28. Why is no one late in London? Because there's a big clock right in the middle of the city!

29. If a British person takes a close look at something, how would you describe it? 'Propaganda'.

30. Which nuts are British people's favorites? Chess Nuts.

31. Why did the tourist get his eyesight fixed before going to Britain? He wanted to see the London Eye.

32. What did Britain say to its trade partners? I'll see 'EU' later.

33. English lady: Waiter! What sort of soup is this?

Waiter: Why? It's bean soup.

English lady: I don't care what it's been! I want to know what it is now!

34. What did the ocean say to the British Isles? "You're my 'shore'-thing!"

Hilarious English Puns

Ready for some rib-tickling fun? Well, you're in the right place! Puns, with their delightful blend of wit and wordplay, can add a dash of laughter to even the dullest days. There's something about the clever twists and turns of English puns that can bring a room to life, transforming ordinary chatter into memorable banter. Whether you're looking to impress your friends, make your family giggle, or simply brighten up your own day, these hilarious English puns are your trusty sidekicks.

35. A pair of English twins loved to play with water while traveling. Their favorite part of summer trips was always Bath time.

36. A man told his wife from Brighton, "You really 'Brighton' up my life."

37. An English detective was running around the country looking for 'Leeds' for his case.

38. A couple was standing under the famous London clock, when the husband asked his wife, "I wish we could have 'Ben' here when it was being built."

39. A group of friends was going around England trying to look for greater theatres to recreate their amazing London experience. They were 'globe-trotting'.

40. Two friends decided to ride around a park for 10 hours straight. After the crazy experience, one of them mentioned, "That was a wild 'Hyde'."

41. The English baker was infamous for being a bad musician. He could never play the 'crumpet' really well.

42. Two English fish were debating how to pay for the lunch they were going to order. Finally, both of them agreed to 'chip in'.

43. The chef made sure to tour all the bakeries in England. He didn't want to leave a single 'scone' unturned.

44. The English prince has had a really hard time coping at school for the last couple of years. He has to appoint a 'Tudor'.

45. I want the term 'England's Royalty' printed on my hoodie. I think it has a nice ring.

46. English warlords didn't have a lot of choices when it came to their enemies. They could only play the hand that they were 'celt'.

47. My sister just came back from her summer semester in England. She's really 'Austen-tacious' now.

48. My friend's favorite series is Harry Potter, so she goes to England many times a year. Fortunately, she is 'Rowling' in money.

49. The last time I talked to my brother, he was really sick. I haven't talked to him in a while, so I don't know if he is sick 'Orwell' anymore.

50. An English journalist went to the train station to catch his scheduled train at 2 p.m. when someone accidentally mistook him for a luggage handler. "I can't handle your luggage, I'm only a 're-porter'", he chuckled.

51. Why do people say "break a leg" when you go on stage? Because every play has a cast.

52. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!

53. Many British people tend to make 'pour' decisions after going to the pub.

54. What time do British tennis players go to bed? 'Tennish'.

55. What do you do if you're driving your car in central London and you see a spaceman? Park in it, of course.

56. Why shouldn't you argue with someone while riding the London Eye? There's no point, you'll just keep moving in circles.

57. A British man started a locksmith service in July 2020. He named it 'Surelock Homes'.

58. Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are 'weakdays'.

59. How do cows stay up to date? They read the 'Moo-spaper'.

60. I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It's 'soda pressing'.

61. Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.

62. How do astronomers organize a party? They 'planet'.

63. What did the little champagne bottle call his father? "Pop."

64. "Are you the English teacher?" "Yes, I are."

65. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. 'Riveting!'

66. How do you greet a British programmer named Cathryn? 'Allo-cate.

67. What do you call a British soldier who lives in a bathroom? A 'Loo-Tenant.'

68. What do you call a cute British person? A 'queue tea.'

69. So many British jokes after the Brexit Vote. EU, it's disgusting.

British Jokes That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud

Ready for a dose of hearty laughter, British style? British jokes are known for their dry wit, open humor, and that sprinkle of sarcasm we all love. Perfect for breaking the ice or simply lighting up a room with joy. These jokes, my friends, are your keys to a treasure trove of fun, sure to make every encounter more memorable. So, buckle up and get ready for a laughter-filled journey with these quintessentially British jokes!

70. What do British people eat in the morning? Cheerios, mate!

71. Why do Brits end up losing weight easily? Every time they make a purchase, they lose a couple of pounds.

72. Why are penguins so scared of entering Great Britain? They don't like to go near 'Wales'.

73. Why do British people talk about their finances on television? The camera adds 10 pounds.

74. Is the rumor about British people loving queues true? I'll be the first to tell you it isn't.

75. Where was a bunch of British people attacked by a gang of chickens? 'Peckham'.

76. Why was Sherlock Holmes looking at the Monopoly box with suspicion? He thought a game was afoot.

77. What is London called when it doesn't have any electricity? 'Londoff'.

78. What do you call a London train that is full of lecturers? A tube filled with smarties.

79. What is the longest word in the English language? 'Smiles.' Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

80. What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? 'Bubble 07.'

81. The past tense of William Shakespeare. 'Wouldiwas Shookspeared.'

82. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels!

83. What do Great Britain and houseguests have in common? They take forever to leave.

84. Why can't British people go to North Korea? Nobody at the ticket counter knows what "North career" means.

85. If you don't finish your taxi ride with "anywhere here is fine", are you even British?

86. What do you call a sunny day in the UK? Imagination.

87. What happens when a British guy makes a promise? He Brexit.

88. I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds! The only problem is I'm British...

89. What's something that feels British but isn't? The contents of the British Museum.

90. British English has only three vowels: A, I, O. They have left EU.

91. British people are always recording their finances because the camera adds ten pounds.

92. I like both kinds of British cuisine... Fish and Chips.

93. How are the British taking to the Metric System? Inch by inch.

94. Why didn't the Americans like the British coin factory? It made no cents.

95. I can afford to hire a private jet, but I prefer to fly British Airways. It keeps me grounded.

96. If the British Empire spoke Queen's English does that mean the Americans spoke rebels' tongues?

97. What did the short American scientist say to the tall British scientist? You're pretty 'Fahrenheit.'

98. What's the best way for an American to lose weight? Gamble in British currency.

99. What do you call a sweaty British Millionaire? 'All-quid.'

100. It's funny that the British Empire conquered the spice traders of the world...considering they never used any of it in their food.

101. What do you call 2000 British Pounds? A ton of money.

102. I would imagine that Super Bowl 50 will be one L of a game... If you're British.

103. What do the British say before they go to the toilet? 'Toodle-oo!'

104. What unit of measurement should the British use for measuring very heavy objects? Bri-tons.

105. Wasn't my British accent great? I thought all British accents were Great British accents.

British Puns

Who's up for a laughter-packed adventure with the quirkiest side of British humor? We're talking about puns, those clever little gems that weave together wit, wordplay, and a dash of cheeky British charm. Whether you're adding a touch of fun to a chat, or simply looking to brighten up your day, these British puns will do the magic. What are you waiting for? Let's step into the amusing world of British puns.

106. My friend, an ice cream seller, is obsessed with British rock bands. He even went as far as naming his ice cream shop The Rolling Cones.

107. If they were going to make a British food version of 'Game Of Thrones', they'd name it Game Of Scones.

108. My friend just invested in a new company that provides haircuts to British people on flights. It's called British Hairways.

109. My British cousin recently opened up her own fish and chips shop. She named it 'Oh My Cod'.

110. A British fish and an American fish met each other many years later. After their first greeting, the British fish said to the American fish, "I can't believe this is the first time we're going to see each other from across the pond."

111. Why did the graduate reminisce his college days in England so fondly? Those were the best of 'Thames'.

112. What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.

113. My favorite rapper is 50 Cent or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

114. Apparently, the British hated rows, which was why they columnized so many places.

115. Tried to sue British Airways because they lost my luggage. Turns out I didn't have a case.

116. What kind of instrument does a British person play? A 'UK-lele.'

117. Which vegetable do British people love the most? 'Queuecumbers.'

118. If I had a dollar for every dollar I'd spent... I'd still have no dollars. I'm British.

119. 'A Tale of Two Cities' was originally serialized in two local papers in the British Midlands. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

120. Being a part of the British cavalry? It's a 'tankless' job.

Tea Jokes And Puns

Can't resist a hot cup of tea? You're not alone! The British, celebrated tea enthusiasts, have turned this humble beverage into a national pastime. Welcome to the world of tea puns, where humor brews as strong as the best English breakfast! These puns are not just hilarious; they're steeped in British charm and perfect to make a random day a little brighter. So, get ready to laugh, and enjoy these hilarious tea puns!

121. What does a British feminist want? 'Equali-tea'.

122. A British man loved to live in fantasy land. The tea he hated the most was 'reali-tea'.

123. I only got tea from the grocery store this morning. This confused my British husband since I never get that much tea. So, he asked me what I was going to make for dinner. I replied "spaghett-tea of course."

124. British ghosts really like drinking tea. Their favorite kind is 'immortali-tea'.

125. How did the British couple handle their differences? They had some 'clari-tea' and 'sereni-tea'.

126. What tea can a person from Britain not stand? 'Humidi-tea'.

127. What does a British real estate agent care most about? His 'proper-tea'.

128. What do you give a British person who made a grave error during a match? A 'penal-tea'.

129. Why did the British tea maker deliver the tea packages himself even though he was sick? He was trying to fulfill his 'due-tea'.

130. Why did the British athlete start meditating? He was searching for inner 'tranquili-tea'.

131. Why did the British Air hostess not allow any more bags into the plane? They had reached full 'capaci-tea'.

132. British people are very artistic, probably because they consume a lot of 'creativi-tea'.

133. You should never question the royal family's tea choices. It is a matter of national 'sovereign-tea'.

134. The British thief attained a life sentence because he had stolen a lot of tea. The court pronounced him 'guilt-tea'.

135. The biggest concern of the British people during the Boston Tea Party was the 'safe-tea' of their cargo.

136. What do British people like to wear? 'Tea-shirts'.

137. Why do British people say, "I'm Bri ish"? Because they love to drink the t.

138. How many days of the week start with t? It depends. If you are American it's two, but if you are British then pretty much every day of the week starts with tea.

139.How does the British Prime Minister like his tea? With lots of debate and a splash of milk!

140. What does the British fox say? Hot tea hot tea hot tea ho!

141. I think it is better to make drinking tea a habit since it provides you with a lot of health benefits. The same benefits are not provided to 'cough-y' drinkers.

142. A British man takes a sip of his coffee... And says, This is not my cup of tea.

143. What's a British student's favorite drink? M.I.Tea.

144. When can a British have some fun? Past tea time.

145. What element do British people like early in the morning? Strong-tea-um.

146. How do we know Rick is British? He is always looking for Morty!

147. I told these jokes to a British person. They were a little 'tea'd' off.

Britain Location Puns

Get ready to experience a fun-filled tour across Britain with a comical twist. Here's presenting Britain location puns, where geography meets humor in the most delightful way. These puns are like tiny vacations, whisking you away to iconic spots across Britain, all while tickling your funny bone. Whether you're a seasoned traveler or someone who loves a good laugh, these puns are a ticket to an amusing journey. Buckle up, let's have some fun!

148. No one Cambridge the gap between us.

149. I'd love a trip to England, but I can't Oxford it.

150. I don't know where I want to go, Norwich way I want to get there. 

151. You really Brighton up my day.

152. I'll follow your Leeds.

153. Having a romantic Bath.

154. Stoke-d to be here.

155. Why did we get a Newcastle? What happened to the old one?

156. I was so tired, but I Preston.

157. You can Leeds a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

158. We had a blast Durham our trip.

159. We've Albans there before.

160. Truro words were never spoken.

161. Warwick you 100%.

162. Hereford today. Gone tomorrow.

163. I Ely wanted to come to England!

164. Ding, ding, ding, we have a Winnersh.

165. England can't be Thamed.

166. This trip is quite a Cliff-hanger.

167. Where have you Ben all my life?

168. Kent you come here?

169. What a Tyne to be alive.

170. I keep my money in the Southbank.

171. I'm Dover it.

172. What a wild Hyde this trip has been.

There you have it, folks! A laughter-packed journey through the best of British humor, complete with chucklesome jokes, witty puns, and snappy one-liners. The beauty of humor is that it not only lightens the mood but also brings people together. The only possible downside? You might laugh so hard, your sides hurt! Why not make the most of these hilarious quips and use them to add a dash of fun to your conversations? Remember, a day without laughter is a day wasted.

Main image credit: DaBrick / Shutterstock.com

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Written by Oluwatosin Michael

Bachelor of Science specializing in Microbiology

Oluwatosin Michael picture

Oluwatosin MichaelBachelor of Science specializing in Microbiology

With a Bachelor's in Microbiology from the Federal University of Agriculture, Abeokuta, Ogun State, Oluwatosin has honed his skills as an SEO content writer, editor, and growth manager. He has written articles, conducted extensive research, and optimized content for search engines. His expertise extends to leading link-building efforts and revising onboarding strategies. 

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