95 Hilarious 'New Girl' Quotes From The TV Series

Best quotes from the sitcom 'New Girl'.

Subscribe for virtual tools, STEM-inspired play, creative tips and more

'New Girl' is an American TV sitcom created by Elizabeth Meriwether.

The series was produced for the Fox Broadcasting Company by 20th Television, and originally aired between 2011 and 2018.

'New Girl' is an ensemble series, produced in Los Angeles, as a single-camera comedy. The show incorporates elements of humor and drama as the actors, who are in their early 30s, struggle with maturing relationships and career choices.

The show 'New Girl' was supposed to be a six-season series, and like for every other show the information about the show ratings mattered and the sixth season didn't perform as expected.  It was the decision of the Fox Broadcasting Company to cancel the show but it was one of the cast members who wrote a letter for a proper farewell to the fans which led to the seventh and final season of the show 'New Girl'. The title of the show was supposed to suggest to the viewers of the pretty girl who has moved into an apartment with three unknown guys. Here are all the 'New Girl' quotes, Jess 'New Girl' quotes and funny tv show quotes.

If you like these quotes check out funny tv quotes and 'How I Met Your Mother' quotes.

Best 'New Girl' Quotes

Quotes from 'New Girl'.

Check out the best 'New Girl' quotes below.

1. "Because people are the worst."

- Jessica Day, Season One, Episode 12.

2. "Sometimes I think I'm just a riddle that I can't even solve."

- Schmidt, Season Two, Episode Three.

3. "Nick, it's not that hard, man. Just sit down and write. You ain't Hemingway."

- Winston, Season Two, Episode Nine.

4. "Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses."

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 16.

5. "It's perfectly fine to watch TV all day."

- Nick, Season Two, Episode Four.

6. "You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen 'Fame'?"

- Jessica Day, Season One, Episode Four.

7. "The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now."

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 23.

8. "If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?"

- Winston, Season Four, Episode 22.

9. "I like dogs more than cats."

- Nick, Season Two, Episode 12.

10. “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.”

- Nick,  Season Two, Episode 13.

Funny Jessica Day Quotes

All the funny quotes and things Jess said.

Check out these hilarious Jessica Day quotations.

11. “I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.”

- Jess, Season One, Episode 17.

12. "Nick isn’t even a man. He’s some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day I had to tell him not to pull a dog’s tail.”

- Jess, Season Three, Episode Seven.

13. “I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.”

- Jess, Season One, Episode 22.

14. “I can't believe I've known you 20 years. And, you're still my favorite person to talk to.”

- Jess, Season Four, Episode Ten.

15. “You’re making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.”

- Jess, Season One, Episode 24.

16. “I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry.”

- Jess, Season One, Episode 21.

17. “I’m probably fine. But I also might be dead.”

- Jess, Season Three, Episode 12.

18. “I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!”

- Jess, Season Two, Episode 16.

19. "Nick doesn’t have a life plan- he doesn’t even have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, ‘put on pants'”

- Jess, Season Three, Episode Seven.

20. “I thought we talked about you not wearing your show diaper in the kitchen.”

- Jess, Season Two, Episode One.

21. “I hope you like feminist rants, because that’s kind of my thing.”

- Jess, Season One, Episode 24.

22. "You never, ever put money in any tip jar, ever."

- Jess, Season One, Episode Three.

23. "You're a plant killer, and I write songs. We're weirdos, but that's who we are."

- Jess, Season One, Episode 14.

24. "I have to go to the zoo."

- Jess, Season Three, Episode 20.

25. "I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots.”

- Jess, Season One, Episode 11.

26. "Oh my gosh. Look, it's food. I love food."

- Jess, Season Five, Episode Nine.

27. "Ugh, couples! Boo. Hiss."

- Jess, Season One, Episode 13.

28. “'cause you're too sophisticated.”

- Jess, Season One, Episode 11.

29. “250? You get 150 just for being alive!"

- Jess, Season One, Episode 11.

30. “My first crush was on a Batman cake.”

- Jess, Season Four, Episode 11.

Best Of Nick Miller Quotes

Everything Nick Miller said was hilarious for the viewers, so check out his best quotes.

31. “Jess, why did you do that? You know how he gets, he turns into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear who just saw a mouse.”

- Nick, Season Four, Episode 17.

32. “I can't go to jail! I'm too sarcastic for the white gangs!”

- Nick, Season Four, Episode 12.

33. “Of course we make decisions. How do you think I'm wearing clothes right now?”

- Nick, Season Five, Episode Eight.

34. “Yeah, I'd trust Beyoncé with my life.”

- Nick, Season Five, Episode Seven.

35. “I'm trying my hardest to look poor.”

- Nick, Season Five, Episode Four.

36. “I'm very focused.”

- Nick, Season Five, Episode Four.

37. “You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol; you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. Science.”

- Nick, Season Four, Episode 21.

38. “Can I get an alcohol?”

- Nick, Season Four, Episode 19.

39. “If you think we're going to have a bedtime chat, you're out of your mind!”

- Nick, Season Four, Episode 14.

40. “I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them.”

- Nick, Season One, Episode 15.

41. “I want to sit at that desk and veto a law.”

- Nick, Season One, Episode 17.

42. “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.”

- Nick, Season Three, Episode Three.

43. “Schmidt fired me, and now I’ll never get to use this briefcase I bought, and it was $19!”

- Nick, Season Three, Episode 19.

44. “I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.”

- Nick, Season Three, Episode 15.

45. “Lying makes me sweat. That’s why I can’t play poker or talk to pregnant women.”

- Nick, Season Four, Episode Six.

46. “The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi.”

- Nick, Season One, Episode 22.

47. “I’ve never been an inspiration before. I don’t like this much responsibility.”

- Nick, Season Two, Episode Four.

48. “I’m 30 years old, and I’ve peed in every pool I’ve been into. Every single one.”

- Nick, Season One, Episode Six.

49. “I don’t deal with exes, they’re a part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon!”

- Nick, Season Three, Episode 15.

50. “Look at that font! What is this? Amateur hour? At least use Palatino.”

- Nick, Season Two, Episode 14.

Best Of Schmidt Quotes

Check out the best Schmidt from 'New Girl' quotes here.

51. “There are plenty of things to be down about: The deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn’t very good…”

- Schmidt, Season Two, Episode 19.

52. "Damp towel. Damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever!”

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 11.

53. “Well, Nick, I’m out of tears. Plumb out. Now, all that’s left is just yellowish goo. That’s right, Nick, goo.”

- Schmidt, Season Two, Episode Five.

54. “If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!”

- Schmidt, Season Four, Episode Two.

55. “Can we just take a minute to celebrate me?”

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 19.

56. “Is it bad that I actually enjoyed Winston and Cece’s EDM song?”

- Schmidt, Season Six, Episode One.

57. “Dammit! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.”

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode Ten.

58. "That has gotta be a record.”

- Schmidt, Season Three, Episode Four.

59. ““If you did have a Nick problem, I probably could help you out. You know my diploma days that I majored in communications, but my heart says that i majored in Nicholas studies. I’m just saying.”

- Schmidt, Season Four, Episode Five.

60. “Don’t pretend to know my pain.”

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 23.

61. “Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.”

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 23.

62.”I love mango chutney... really any type of chutney."

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode Five.

63. "Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape."

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 11.

64. "It's a horrible neighborhood. There are Youths everywhere."

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 13.

65. "Pine has no place here"

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 16.

66. “I’m like a Hebrew cheetah.”

- Schmidt, Season Three, Episode 22.

67. “Why can’t I have the things that I want?!”

- Schmidt, Season Two, Episode 20.

68. “It’s the freakin' weekend.”

- Schmidt, Season Four, Episode Eight.

69. "You like me? You like my personality?"

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 22.

70. “Youths!”

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 13.

Funny 'New Girl' Quotes

Check out relatable quotes of this series and 'New Girl' friendship quotes below.

71. “‘Eye of the Tiger’ is the greatest song ever written. It’s so cool, it ended the Cold War!”

- Winston, Season One, Episode Seven.

72. "You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost."

- Winston, Season One, Episode 17.

73. “I got your text. When you’re going through a 'Taylor Swift-like range of emotions,' I should come over, right?”

- Cece, Season Two, Episode Three.

74. "Winston: That’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends.

Nick: They’re not best friends.

Winston: Come on, everybody knows they’re best friends."

- 'New Girl', Season Three, Episode 22.

75. “I’m using my bride card!”

- Cece, Season Five, Episode 21.

76. “Oh, my god. Was she jealous? I think she was jealous. You did so good. That was remarkable.”

- Nick Miller, Season One, Episode 12.

77. “I’m the best with pranks. They call me Prank Sinatra!”

- Winston, Season Two, Episode Four.

78. “He sounds like a ghost singing 'Hey Ya.'”

- Coach, Season Four, Episode Four.

79. “Just because a scary man yelled his name in your face doesn’t mean you can’t like sake baths.”

- Cece, Season Five, Episode 17.

80. "I’d give you a hug, but my shirt smells pretty weird today."

- Nick, Season Four, Episode Ten.

81. “Are you the criminal from the statistics?!”

- Schmidt, Season Six, Episode 19.

82. “So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.”

- Jess, Season One, Episode Three.

83. “Can you tell schmidt that my portfolio is way better than his portfolio?”

- Coach, Season Four, Episode Four.

84. “You should've seen how fast I came down that mountain. I mean, a lot of it was falling. Luckily, the ground just stopped me”

- Cece, Season Four, Episode 22.

85. “For the first time in my life. I’m not 100% broke.”

- Coach, Season Four, Episode 14.

86. “Stop asking permission and go get it.”

- Cece, Season One, Episode 12.

87. “I have to get everybody in the company's name into a version of 'We Didn't Start the Fire.'”

- Schmidt, Season One, Episode 18.

88. "Are we eating or are we not eating?"

- Winston, Season Six, Episode 21.

89. “That is such a relief. I can get fat now.”

- Coach, Season Three, Episode Seven.

90. “My heart is beating really fast, but time is moving really slow,”

- Cece, Season Seven, Episode Two.

91. “Can I interest you in some white noise?”

- Winston, Season Four, Episode 12.

92. “It really bums me out that I’ll never know the infinite joy of what it feels like to carry a child inside of me.”

- Coach, Season Three, Episode 23.

93. “You know what I learned from the internet? We’ve got nothing to worry about.”

- Winston, Season One, Episode Four.

94. “Nick Miller, turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.”

- Nick, Season Two, Episode 11.

95. “Watch your front because we’ve got your back!”

- Cece, Season Five, Episode 17.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for 'New Girl' quotes then why not take a look at ['Parks And Rec' quotes], or Monica Geller quotes


Written By

Kidadl Team

The Kidadl Team is made up of people from different walks of life, from different families and backgrounds, each with unique experiences and nuggets of wisdom to share with you. From lino cutting to surfing to children’s mental health, their hobbies and interests range far and wide. They are passionate about turning your everyday moments into memories and bringing you inspiring ideas to have fun with your family.

Was this article helpful?

Subscribe for virtual tools, STEM-inspired play, creative tips and more

By joining Kidadl you agree to Kidadl’s and and consent to receiving marketing communications from Kidadl.