55 Monty Python Quotes From The Legendary Comedy Troupe

Moumita Dutta
Feb 29, 2024 By Moumita Dutta
Originally Published on Mar 13, 2021
Edited by Jacob Fitzbright
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Read time: 9.8 Min

The Monty Python troupe was a comedy group made up of Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, John Cleese, and Eric Idle.

'The Pythons', as the group was called collectively, were given complete control of their work. They reformed the comedy genre for television with their creativity and uniqueness.

The group made the movies 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail', 'Life Of Brian', and 'The Meaning Of Life' following the popularity of their TV show 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'. Their work is credited with bringing comedy to a whole new level in England and the world respectively. The famous show 'Saturday Night Live' is just one of the shows which were inspired by them.

In 1988, Monty Python were honored with the BAFTA Award for Outstanding British Contribution To Cinema. To this day 'Holy Grail' and 'Life Of Brian' are regarded as some of the greatest comedy films in existence.

With that said, explore some great Monty Python quotes here and for more related content, take a look at John Cleese quotes and [comedian quotes].

'Monty Python's Flying Circus' Quotes

Some of the best Monty Python quotes from their TV show 'Monty Python's Flying Circus', along with some great funny Monty Python quotes and more!

1. "This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir, invisible. This is an ex-parrot."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

2. "I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

3. "Peasant: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

Cardinal Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

4. "I'd like to complain about people who constantly hold things up by complaining about people who complain. It's high time something was done about it!"

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

5. "Colonel: Watkins, why did you join the army?

Watkins: For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: 'no killing'.

Colonel: Watkins, are you a pacifist?

Watkins: No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

6. "I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service."

― Vet, 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

7. "Sorry I'm late, headmaster. I've been wrestling with Plato."

― Padre, 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

8. "We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating.."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

9. "Let me tell you something, my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

10. "We serve no meat of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it Head Waiter."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

11. "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

12. "Morning, I'm a bank robber, please don't panic, just hand over all the money."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

'Monty Python's Life Of Brian' Quotes

Retro television set

These are some of the best Monty Python 'Life Of Brian' quotes that will get a chuckle or two out of you!

13. "Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen?! I'm not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!

Woman: Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!"

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

14. "Blessed are the cheesemakers!"

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

15. "Brian: What will they do to me?

Ben: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.

Brian: Crucifixion?!

Ben: Yeah, first offence.

Brian: Get away with crucifixion?! It's -

Ben: Best thing the Romans ever did for us."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

16. "Wise Men: We are three wise men.

Mandy: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

17. "Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!

Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

18. "Centurion: Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.

Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.

Centurion: You're weird!"

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

19. "Now, you listen here: He's not the Messiah – he's a very naughty boy!"

― Mandy, 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

20. "Other than the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"

― Reg, 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

21. "Mandy: Who are all those people?

Brian: A few friends, popped by for a second.

Mandy: Popped by? Swarmed by is more like it. There's a multitude out there."

― 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

'Monty Python's The Meaning of Life' Quotes

Monty Python quotes are amazing to the core! Here are some of the best Monty Python Meaning Of Life quotes that are absolutely hilarious!

22. "Grim Reaper: I have come for you.

Geoffrey: You mean to…

Grim Reaper: Take you away. That is my purpose. I am Death.

Geoffrey: Well that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?"

― 'Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'.

23. "Grim Reaper: Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans, you talk and you talk and say 'Let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this.' Well, you're dead now, so shut up!"

― 'Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'.

24. "Woman: Is it a boy or a girl?

Obstetrician: I think it's a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?"

― 'Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'.

25. "The mill's closed. There's no more work. We're destitute. I'm afraid I have no choice but to sell you all for scientific experiments."

― 'Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'.

26. "Maître-D': Good afternoon, sir. And how are we today?

Mr. Creosote: Better.

Maître-D': Better?

Mr. Creosote: Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up."

― 'Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'.

27. "Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. I mean to serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death."

― Angela, 'Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'.

28. "It's nothing very special. Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."

― 'Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'.

'Monty Python And The Holy Grail' Quotes

King Arthur Monty Python quotes from 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail' are funny.

Some of the most famous Monty Python quotes ranging from Monty Python rabbit quotes, Black Knight Monty Python quotes, Monty Python witch quotes, and much more from their cult classic movie 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'!

29. "'Tis but a scratch!"

― Black Knight, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

30. "King of Swamp Castle: You put your sword right through the head of the bride's father.

Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

31. “Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What… is your quest?

Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: "What… is your favorite color?

Sir Lancelot: Blue.

Bridgekeeper: Right. Off you go."

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

32. "King Arthur: You've got no arms left!

Black Knight: Yes I have.

King Arthur: Look!

Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound…"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

33. "You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnnigghts."

― French Guard, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

34. "Woman: Well, how did you become king then?

King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake... her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

35. "Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."

― Dennis, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

36. "Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who."

― King of the Swamp Castle, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

37. "We are the Knights who say ... NI."

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

38. "Brave Sir Robin turned about and gallantly he chickened out."

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

39. "You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring!"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

40. "King Arthur: Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

Guard: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

King Arthur: Please!

Guard: Am I right?

King Arthur: I'm not interested!"

― 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'.

41. "I'm not quite dead yet!"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

42. "King Arthur: Shut up, will you. Shut up!

Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

King Arthur: Shut up!

Denni: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

43. "On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."

― King Arthur, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

44. "If she weighs the same as a duck she's made of wood and therefore, a witch!"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

45. "Soldier: Where'd you get the coconuts?

King Arthur: We found them.

Soldier: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

King Arthur: What do you mean?

Soldier: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

46. "We'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite."

― Arthur, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

47. "This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain to me again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes."

― Arthur, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

48. "You don't frighten us with your silly knees-bent running around advancing behavior!"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

49. "Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch?

Peasant: She turned me into a newt.

Bedevere: A newt?

Peasant: Well I got better."

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

50. "King Arthur: Now look here, my good man--

French Guard: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

51. "That's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you'll ever set your eyes on."

― Tim The Enchanter, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

52. "What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'Ni' at will to old ladies."

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

53. "O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery."

― King Arthur, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

54. "That rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!"

― Tim the Enchanter, 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

55. "How could a 5-ounce bird possibly carry a 1-pound coconut?"

― 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'.

Here at Kidadl, we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for Monty Python quotes then why not take a look at [Jerry Seinfeld quotes], or Larry David quotes.

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Written by Moumita Dutta

Bachelor of Arts specializing in Journalism and Mass Communication, Postgraduate Diploma in Sports Management

Moumita Dutta picture

Moumita DuttaBachelor of Arts specializing in Journalism and Mass Communication, Postgraduate Diploma in Sports Management

A content writer and editor with a passion for sports, Moumita has honed her skills in producing compelling match reports and stories about sporting heroes. She holds a degree in Journalism and Mass Communication from the Indian Institute of Social Welfare and Business Management, Calcutta University, alongside a postgraduate diploma in Sports Management.

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