85+ Funny Golf Quotes That Will Be A Hit At The Clubhouse

Moumita Dutta
Dec 12, 2023 By Moumita Dutta
Originally Published on Feb 18, 2021
Edited by Jacob Fitzbright
People playing golf in the feild

Why Know Your Worth Quotes?

Did you know that golf was the first sport played on the moon by a man? Enjoying a round of golf with your golfer friends on a pleasant afternoon is a refreshing experience.

Sharing some hilarious golf quotes can get the conversations starting if a new man has joined for a game of golf. A golfer can always have the upper hand by indulging in knowing some amusing golf phrases.

What Parents Should Know

  • Golf is an outdoor recreational game that likely originated in fifteenth-century Scotland.
  • In the early days of golf, players would golf publicly, such as on the streets or on business properties. This was seen as a nuisance. Golf was banned not only once but three times in Scotland between the years of 1457 and 1744. That’s because the government believed it interfered with military training.
  • Phil Mickelson is right-handed but golfs with his left. Mickelson mirrored his dad’s golf swing who is left-handed.

What To Discuss With Kids

  • Tiger Woods took an interest in golf at only six months old and his father started teaching him at two years old.
  • During the early days of golf, the balls were made out of leather wrapped in feathers. Manufacturers would wet the feathers and wrap them around the leather. This helped the feathers dry around the leather. This was a time-consuming process and, as you can imagine, didn’t create the most reliable golf ball.
  • There’s a 12,500 to 1 chance a typical golfer will make a hole-in-one. That’s because the width of the hole is so small. Even professional golfers can go their whole career without making a hole-in-one!

Funny Golf Quotes For The Clubhouse

1. “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: it’s called an eraser.” ‒ Arnold Palmer.

2. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.” ‒ Mickey Mantle.

3. “You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.” ‒ Lee Trevino.

4. “The most important shot in golf is the next one.” ‒ Ben Hogan.

5. “They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” ‒ Raymond Flyod.

6. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” ‒ Gerald Ford.

7. “As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” ‒ Ben Hogan.

8. “But in the end it's still a game of golf, and if at the end of the day you can't shake hands with your opponents and still be friends, then you've missed the point.” ‒ Payne Stewart.

9. “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” ‒ Dean Martin.

10. “Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.” ‒ Jim Murray.

11. “Golf is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” ‒ P.G. Wodehouse.

12. “The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.” ‒ Ernest Hemingway.

13. “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” ‒ Dave Berry, ‘Stay Fit And Healthy Until You're Dead’.

14. “A great deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world.” ‒ Harry Vardon, ‘Progressive Golf’.

15. “Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.” ‒ Harvey Penick.

16. “The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one – particularly if he plays golf, which he usually does.” ‒ Bertrand Russell.

17. “Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?” ‒ Ben Hogan.

18. “The Old Testament is responsible for more atheism, agnosticism, disbelief - call it what you will - than any book ever written; it has emptied more churches than all the counter attractions of cinema, motor bicycle and golf course.” ‒ A. A. Milne, ‘Year In, Year Out’.

19. “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” ‒ Jack Benny.

20. “If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.” ‒ Sam Snead.

21. “If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.” ‒ Joey Lauren Adams, ‘Strictly For Laughs’.

22. “The only way of really finding out a man's true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself.” ‒ P. G. Wodehouse.

23. “There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.” ‒ Lee Trevino.

24. “I've seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better, but the other counted better.” ‒ Stephen Leacock, ‘Leacock On Life’.

25. “A major golf tournament is 40,000 sadists watching 144 masochists.” ‒ Thomas Boswell.

26. “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” ‒ Bob Hope.

27. “I am past writing angst songs for kids. My angst is when I can't get my Porsche roof up and when I can't get my golf handicap down.” ‒ Alice Cooper.

28. “Golf is like solitaire. When you cheat, you cheat only yourself.” ‒ Tony Lema, ‘Champagne Golf’.

29. “Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.” ‒ Bill Cosby.

30. “I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.” ‒ G. K. Chesterton.

Quotes About Golf From Famous People

31. “Golf is a game that mirrors life. Golf is both a mystical journey of joy and sorrow and a physical journey of cause and effect.”‒ Matthew E. Adams, ‘Fairways Of Life: Golf Wisdom From The Legends’.

32. “A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the universe; a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible.” ‒ Jean Giraudoux, ‘The Doctor In The Enchanted: A Comedy In Three Acts’.

33. “Don't force your kids into sports. I never was. To this day, my dad has never asked me to go play golf. I ask him.” ‒ Tiger Woods.

34. “If you are caught in a storm and are afraid of lightning hold up a 1 iron. Even God can’t hit a 1 iron.” ‒ Lee Trevino.

35. “Golf without Jones would be like France without Paris: leaderless, lightless and lonely.” ‒ Herbert Warren Wind, ‘The Story Of American Golf: Its Champions And Championships’.

36. “I'm addicted. I'm addicted to golf.” ‒ Tiger Woods.

37. “May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.” ‒ Ben Hogan.

38. “If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” ‒ Jack Lemmon.

39. “Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.” ‒ Winston S. Churchill.

40. “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” ‒ Mark Twain.

41. “Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” ‒ Harry Vardon.

42. “Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I've played the game for 40 years and I still haven't the slightest idea how to play.” ‒ Gary Player.

43. “While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” ‒ Henny Youngman.

44. “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” ‒ Billy Graham, ‘Quotes From Billy Graham: A Legacy Of Faith’.

45. “The main idea in golf as in life, I suppose is to learn to accept what cannot be altered” ‒ Bobby Jones.

46. “It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” ‒ Hank Aaron.

47. “We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.” ‒ Bruce Lansky.

48. “Never on any golf course have I been approached by a policeman who said, Lady, you can't play with an ordinary golf ball. You're movie star. You'll have to use a coconut for a ball.” ‒ Irene Dunne, ‘How Do I Stay Normal In Hollywood’.

49. “Like one's own children, golf has an uncanny way of endearing itself to us while at the same time evoking every weakness of mind and character, no matter how well hidden.” ‒ Timothy Gallwey.

50. “I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.” ‒ Gerald R. Ford.

51. “In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans.

Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.” ‒ Allan Sherman, ‘A Gift Of Laughter: The Autobiography Of Allan Sherman’.

52. “Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” ‒ P.J. O'Rourke, ‘Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book For Rude People’.

53. “Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” ‒ William Wordsworth.

54. “The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.” ‒ Pete Dye.

55. “I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.” ‒ Lee Trevino.

56. “The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law.” ‒ H. G. Wells.

57. “You build a golf game like you build a wall, one brick at a time.” ‒ Tony Lema.

58. “I'd play every day if I could. It's cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart.” ‒ Brent Musburger.

59. “Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.” ‒ Harvey Penick, ‘The Game For A Lifetime: More Lessons And Teachings’.

60. “Golf has become so manicured, so perfect. The greens, the fairways. I don't like golf carts. I like walking. Some clubs won't let you in unless you have a caddy and a cart.” ‒ Robert Redford.

61. “Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing. Something we were born with. Something that’s ours and ours alone. Something that can’t be taught to you or learned. Something that’s got to be remembered.” ‒ Bagger Vance, ‘The Legend Of Bagger Vance’.

62. “It’s alive, this swing, a living sculpture! And down through contact, always down, striking the ball crisply, with character. A tuning fork goes off in your heart and your balls.” ‒ Roy McAvoy, ‘Tin Cup’.

63. “Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly 40 years to discover that I can't play it.” ‒ Ted Ray.

64. “I can't wait to be that age and hanging out with a bunch of people hanging out all day playing golf and going to the beach, all my own age. We'd be laughing and having a good time. Driving golf carts around. I can't wait.” ‒ Cameron Diaz.

65. “Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.” ‒ Jen Kirkman.

66. “As all souls are equal before their Maker, a two inch putt counts the same as a 250 yard drive. There is a comedy in this and a certain unfairness even, which makes golf an even apter mirror of reality.” ‒ John Updike, ‘More Matter: Essays and Criticism’.

67. “The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.” ‒ Phyllis Diller.

68. “I bought my first electric car in 1970. Its top speed was 15 mph and it had just a 15 mile range - it was essentially a golf cart with a windshield wiper and a horn.” ‒ Ed Begley. Jr.

69. “Golf is a worrier's game, inward, concentrated, a matter of inches, invented by the same people who gave us Presbyterianism.” ‒ Robert Hass, ‘Twentieth Century Pleasures: Prose On Poetry’.

70. “Golf: A plague invented by the Calvinistic Scots as a punishment for man's sins.” ‒ James Barrett Reston.

71. “And the wind shall say: ‘Here were decent godless people:

Their only monument the asphalt road

And a thousand lost golf balls." ‒ T. S. Eliot.

72. “Forget your opponents; always play against par.” ‒ Sam Snead.

73. “Golf camaraderie, like that of astronauts and Antarctic explorers, is based on a common experience of transcendence; fat or thin, scratch or duffer, we have been somerwhere together where non-golfers never go.” ‒ John Updike, ‘Golf Dreams: Writings On Golf’.

74. “Consider the value of doing what you love and being paid for it! This is truly a golfer’s dream.” ‒ Lorii Myres.

75. “Golf sits in that beautiful junction between perfection and frustration.” ‒ Colleen Ferrary Bader.

76. “You ought to take more exercise, if you're inclined to have a liver. Play golf.” ‒ Daphne du Maurier, ‘The Birds And Other Stories’.

77. “I never play golf because it takes too long, and the business connections it produces can be made just as easily over an early breakfast.” ‒ Eli Broad.

78. “The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties.” ‒ P. J. O'Rourke.

79. “Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” ‒ John Updike.

80. “You have the opposite of poker face. You have like miniature golf face.” ‒ Elizabeth Gilbert.

81. “Golf asks something of a man. It makes one loathe mediocrity. It seems to say, If you are going to keep company with me, don't embarrass me.” ‒ Gary Player.

82. “Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behaviour not otherwise excusable.” ‒ A. P. Herbert

83. “Golf is a billion-dollar industry devoted entirely to hope.” ‒ Deepak Chopra, ‘Golf For Enlightenment: The Seven Lessons For The Game Of Life’.

84. “After years of patient study (and with cricket there can be no other kind), I have decided that there is nothing wrong with the game that the introduction of golf carts wouldn't fix in a hurry.” ‒ Bill Bryson, ‘Down Under’.

85. “You know what the game of golf is, don't you? It's basketball for people who can't jump and chess for people who can't think.” ‒ Tom Robbins.

86. “I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.” ‒ Ben Hogan.

87. Nobody but you and your caddy care what you do out there, and if your caddy is betting against you, he doesn’t care either. - Lee Trevino

88. Make friends with your caddy and the game will make friends with you. – Stephen Potter, Golf Writer

89. The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club. – Seve Ballesteros (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer)

90. After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the PGA Tour. Like the last time I asked my caddy for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. – Chi Chi Rodriquez, PGA Hall of Fame

91. If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. – Horace G. Hutchinson, 2-Time British Amateur Champion

92. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. – Lord Robertson of Port Ellen, UK Politician

93. Playing the game I have learned the meaning of humility. It has given me an understanding of the futility of the human effort. - Abba Eban

94. The golf swing is like a suitcase in which we are trying to pack one too many things. – John Updike, American Novelist

95. Golf is a game where you yell “Fore”, shoot six and write down five – Napolean Hill, American Author

96. The least things upset him on the links. That last missed short putt was because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadow. – PG Wodehouse, UK Author & Humourist

97. I’m about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That’s the distance my left ear is from my right. - Ben Crenshaw

98. Golf is the hardest game in the world. There is no way you can ever get it. Just when you think you do, the game jumps up and puts you in your place. - Ben Crenshaw

99. I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don’t put the right address on it. - Jim Dent

100. Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting. - Peter Dobereiner

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Written by Moumita Dutta

Bachelor of Arts specializing in Journalism and Mass Communication, Postgraduate Diploma in Sports Management

Moumita Dutta picture

Moumita DuttaBachelor of Arts specializing in Journalism and Mass Communication, Postgraduate Diploma in Sports Management

A content writer and editor with a passion for sports, Moumita has honed her skills in producing compelling match reports and stories about sporting heroes. She holds a degree in Journalism and Mass Communication from the Indian Institute of Social Welfare and Business Management, Calcutta University, alongside a postgraduate diploma in Sports Management.

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